Greetings From Earth

So I'm transmitting my blog to space so all you cool aliens know that we humans (and other Earth creatures) are cool people (and animals and plants and insects and germies).

There's sort of a myth on my planet that if aliens came down they would see all our pollution/garbage/poverty/war/realitytv and say "EW! These people are way too primitive!" And either A) get as far away from us as possible or B) destroy us and steal our resources. I never believed that. A species intelligent enough and determined enough to be travelling millions of miles just to check us out, would surely give us more of a thorough look over before they denounced us all as dirt poor, polluting, warmongering litterbugs who enjoy rotting our minds with decorating shows and Canadian Idol.

Prove me right. Come on down to Earth and say Hello!

Goodbye Scotty *tear*

I can only hope that his alzeimer's and death was faked, and that he simply beamed back aboard the Enterprise.

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/07/20/obit.doohan.ap/

Super Happy Jen and her Super Happy Whip

Since it's my day off, I've been doing the ultra-productive activity of creating my own super hero (or at least a super hero version of myself) using this nifty website I found.

Here she is:



I have to try and get my arms that muscular before my wedding. My dress shows off arm flab too much.

In other news. A couple weeks ago I wrote an article about my call centre experiences. Now two editors from the Spectator want to meet with me about my article and "other stuff". What "other stuff" might refer to is beyond me but she (the editor) says "trust me this is a good thing."

Still don't have Sundays off. Might have found someone to switch Fridays with who's off at 6:30 (emphasis on might). Then I can still go to my writer's group, I'll just be late.

And there's a hurricane in Mexico. Right where we're going to honeymoon. Tra la la!

Stuff(Good and Bad)

The Return of the Parking Bilaw Officer

I got a 35$ parking ticket (again). I really have to stop parking on the road overnight. At least he didn't egg my car this time.

I Have an Amazing Impenetrable Forester.

On the way to work I locked I stopped for gas and, after tanking up at the marvelous price of 95 cents a liter, I locked my keys in the car. I asked the gas station girl if she had anything to open it with and she gave me this wire thing that she uses to reach the pop in the back of the fridge. Some guy tried to stick it in my window but he couldn't reach the unlock button. My doctor happened to be there and he let me borrow his cell phone to call CAA. While CAA did not answer the phone, my call was very important to them, and a CAA membership makes a great gift.

So I asked the mechanic guys if they had something to open it. They said they could for the only slightly inflated price of 25$. Fine. They got out their heavy duty car locksmithing kit (a glorified bent hanger and giant nail file) and set to work. After a few minutes they explained to me that there was some kind of anti-theft barrier in place that made it impossible to break in without damaging the vehicle.

Three people offered their cell phones and one woman told me the story about how she once locked her baby in the car. So I went back to the gas station booth and used the girl's phone to call Adam at work. "I'm stupid. I love you," said I. He called his sister and she brought me an extra key. Thanks Julie!

"Easy" Online Registering

I want to register for the online courses at Ryerson so I can get the certificate in Magasine Publishing, so I can become a magazine bigwig, so I can tell the call centre "chuck you farley". Since I still actually have my student number from the courses I took last year, this should be as simple as going online and clicking "I want that". But I can't register my login for some reason. I called tech support--"Tech support! It's a nightmare!"--and they said I needed to wait until August to use my login. That would make it very difficult to register by July 18! I told them this and the guy said he "didn't know anything about registering" and he e-mailed the registrar for me (I coulda done that, in fact I already did). GAH!

I Just became a Born Again Christian

My manager is going to see about getting Sundays off for "religious reasons". This way I'll have Sundays for Adam and me, and Mondays for me. He's also going to get a list of people that work Fridays but not in the evening, so I can switch that day with them and go to my writer's group! I can beat the system. I can!

Got Paid

Rogers paid me for the articles I published in Today's Parent Toronto, thereby re-establishing my self worth, and reminding me that, yes, I am a professional author (even if extremely part-time)

How do other people beat the system?

A while ago, my work changed a lot of shifts, including mine, from a nice, cushy day shift to a sucky noon-8:30 shift. Yesterday me and this other guy, Peter, were working and it was 7 or 8. When one of us remarked that the rest of our team had already left. This means they somehow got changed back to a premo shift.

"I feel stupid. How were they able to beat the system?" Inquired Peter (or something like that, this is not a direct quote).

Good question. It's not as if I haven't complained. It's not as if I haven't put in a shift change request form. It's not as if they have better excuses.

My ideal scheduel:

• At least some days off in common with Adam. That means weekends. Preferably the whole weekend like the rest of the universe still seems to.
• No working past 5:30 or 6. Especially on Fridays so I can actually go to my writer's group.
• Have maybe ten fewer hours than I have right now.

Live8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Adam went to Live8 yesterday. I had to call in sick to go which means (if my work is paying attention) they won't give me holiday pay for Friday. It was worth it because by going to this concert (which was free, btw) me and Adam are going to completely abolish all poverty in Africa. It turns out all we had to do was listen to some cool tunes, and it would convince all the world leaders (the important ones anyway) to a)cancel debt, b)increase aid, and c)make trade more fair for poorer countries.

a+b+c= 0 poverty.

Anyway they wanted us all to go to Live8live.com and sign this petition thingie. I did, so you should too. Everybody knows that people do whatever you want when you give them a million billion signatures.

War of the Worlds

I'll begin my review of War of the Worlds with an historical fact everybody knows (except perhaps my future sister-in-law Julie who didn't realize it was going to be a Science Fiction!). Anyway here's the fact: when the War of the Worlds radioplay was first broadcast in 1938 people actually believed the world was under attack by Martians. The panicked and fled their homes or hid in basements.

How can you compare with that? You can't.

While at no point did I feel the need to find a storm cellar to crawl into, War of the Worlds was a great flick. Lots of scenes with extras running, getting blown up, being sucked into a spaceship's anus, etc.

As always Dakota Fanning is a fabulous actor, beats Tom Cruise out of the water. He wasn't bad either though. Random celebrities for no reason: Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman (voice).

If you know the War of the World's story, you'll know that you never get the satisfaction of seeing the human race triumph over the alien menace. If you don't know the story/don't remember what happens, I ain't spoiling it here.

Oh, and the bloody roots make for a nice visual.

*****

I did something to my back

I was hanging out at my friend's house when I moved in a funny way and my left back started hurting (by "left back" I of course mean the left side of my only back). My friend Becca, who is not a doctor but who used to work in a health food store so is just as good, says that one of my ribs is not moving and that it would probably go away while I slept.

My back still hurts today, but it's a bit better I guess. My job is turning me into an old woman.

Definitely my apartment

So our application was approved! We're getting the apartment (see below) on August 15th.

Woohoo!

My apartment

So Adam and I put in the application to rent our first apartment. So if all goes well we'll have a fabulous pad to move into once we're married. It's two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living area/dining room and one of those narrow kitchens. It'll be nice and cozy and it's reasonably priced.

Now I just have to figure out where I'm going to put up my Wonder Woman shelf.

Things I'm not good at

This is to contrast the "Things I'm Good at" list. If you are in any position to employ me, please skip to the previous entry.

• Saying No to people.
• Sounding confident and sure of myself. (Even about topics I am confident and sure about).
• Being serious. Even when I'm serious, a part of me is joking. Sometimes people think I'm making fun of them or not taking a situation serious enough or something. Whatever.
• Drawing noses. Anyone who can draw a nose that is in any way convincing is some kind of super human. This is likely the power I'd get if radioactive goo was poured on me by accident.
• I lack ambition.
• I'm addicted to computer games. Not the cool ones with the super graphics that the boys are addicted to. No. I'm talking silly flash games where you match colours.
• I procrastinate. This should probably be counted under things I'm good at because I'm darn good at procrastinating. The aforementioned computer games help.
• I'm lazy.
• I'm shy.
• I have never, nor will ever, figure out how to apply make-up and do my hair for the purpose of making myself "pretty".
• I'm terrible at keeping my room clean. (I'm a packrat).
• I'm afraid of heights.

That's pretty well it. None of this stuff is that bad I suppose. I'm working on the laziness.

Things I am good at.

For my own self esteem purposes I am writing a list of things I am good at. I will not inflate or BS this list in anyway (this is not a résumé). If you do happen to be an employer and you need someone with these qualifications don't hesitate to leave some kind of contact info in the comments below and I'll send you a real résumé (a more impressive sounding list).

• I'm friendly all the time. This may not seem like a lot but I find it's a quality not many people have. Also, by being friendly I can make other people more friendly (mostly) by putting them in a better mood.
• I'm good at writing. Not just this blog. I wrote a whole book and I got a few articles published (if you like this blog and you want to pay me to write an article for you, we'll talk).
• I'm good with computers. I'm patient with them like I am with people. I don't freak out when a program freezes and I have a good instinct for getting programs to do what I want without reading lengthy tutorials. If I can't find what I want, it usually isn't there. In which case I shrug my shoulders and find another way to get a similar result.
• I'm good with children and the elderly. This has to do with the friendliness and patience I mentioned before.
• I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm good at art (see my art below) but I did go to university for it and learned a bunch of stuff. What my paintings really show is my unique way of looking at the world, with humour and a touch of fantasy.
• That reminds me, I have a good sense of humour.
• I'm honest. To the point of my own detriment. This makes me bad at inflating myself, in a job interview for example.
• I don't smoke and I rarely drink.
• I'm intelligent enough to do pretty much anything anybody throws at me.

Well there it is. I think I'm a pretty good person.

My Dream Shelf

Adam bought me a beautiful black shelf to display my wonder woman action figures on. To you this may not seem like a big deal, but allow me to explain. When most people say "Some day, I'm going to own a Ferrari," or "Someday I'm going to have a big house with a pool" I say "someday I'm going to have a shelf where all my wonderwomans will be displayed in order of height."

It is so beautiful you would weep. A Wonder woman Barbie on one end, then my Justice League Wonder Woman, then the first appearance collector's edition Wonder Woman, then a regular Wonder Woman action figure, and finally, my little Wonder Woman bobblehead. As a backdrop, my Wonder Woman comics.

I'm going to clean my room and then get shelves for the rest of my girls! Yipee!

Monsoon Driving

Yesterday I was driving home from St. Cath when I noticed that I needed gas, badly. A light drizzel had begun, but no big deal, I could tank up. I got off the highway and ended up in this tiny town with nothing but a Tim Hortons and some cattle (while the sign by the exit promised an Esso, it was nowhere to be seen). I got back on the highway.

It was then that the sky opened up and deposited an olympic-sized wave pool onto the highway. Waves from the sky. And fork lightening, with loud thunder. I remembered the boy that was hit by lightening a few days ago.

People were stopping at the side of the road. I was driving 60 clicks on a 100 click road (normally cruised at at 120+). Nobody passed me. I eked all the way home with reserve light on.

Later that night, when it was dry out. I tanked up at the price of 77 cents/liter. Thank you, monsoon

My Art

Some people (you know who you are) have been bugging me that they've never seen my art. So here some pics of it.


This is one I did with oil on a big scrap piece I found in the wood shop. It's about four foot tall and 2 foot wide, I guess. The reflection in the eye is a picture of me either dead or asleep. The painting's tears are made with this varnish stuff which mixed with the charcoal I used for the eyelashes for a nice mascara running effect. 2003.


This one I did in oil on three wooden tiles (again, stolen from the wood shop). It's a self portrait where I'm bleeding to death. Cool! I'm not sure why I was all about painting myself dead, maybe I was depressed or something. Anyway I always hung this painting by nailing straight through my arms, legs, heart and head. People thought this was some religious alusion to the cruxifiction, but that's sillyness. 2003


This one isn't very big, about twice the size of my head. It's part of a series where I used find creatures in the wood. Like, this knot hole looks like a set of teeth, and this one looks like a big ear, etc. It's in oil, as usual. 2002/2003


This is pretty large. Like, 4 feet by 4.5 feet, or something (I never measure, I should, but I'm lazy). I used a mixture of oil, charcoal and chalk pastel. This is much more impressive when you see it in person. It's got a lot of stuff about me(or at least me at the time). 2002/2003


This one I like even though I painted it a long time ago and it's actually not done very well. Anyway it's in acrylic on a 2 foot by 2 foot piece of masonite (okay, so it isn't actually square, but close enough). It's up in my room, and it still makes my smile. Nothing funnier than naked twister with big round cartoon nipples. 2001ish


THis one I did in oil on two pieces of wood I stole from the woodshop. THe one on the left is pegboard, the othe in the same type of wood the tiles were made of kinda. Anyway, it's a self portrait. And those are my legs too. I miss those shoes, those were cool shoes. 2003/2003.

I had a dream last night.

Let me try to remember...

I was bored, or something, so I went to the mall. My friend Amy was there (best friend since grade school) was there with a bunch of our friends. Dream friends that is, they aren't really friends in real life, though I do know them. Here's the people I remember:

Amy L (a friend of ours that I haven't seen since high school but Amy kept in touch with her and went to her wedding)
Leanne W (went to school with us but were never really friends. Neither I nor Amy, to my knowledge, has seen her since high school)
Katherine (Becca's maid of honour, who lives in BC and I know doesn't socialize with Amy).
There were more I think I don't remember.

Anyway I asked if I could hang out with them. They said no. They were going to watch a show together at Amy's house. What show, I don't know, but it was some drivel that I don't like (ie Dawson's Creek or Sex in the City). I was still hurt to be left out. It was very grade eight.

I ended up going to Amy's house anybody. Amy's Mom asked me why I was upset. I told her I wasn't invited to Amy's party.

The next thing I remember is curling up with Adam on Amy's couch and the other girls trying to get us to leave.

Amy's a nice person. She wouldn't leave me out, especially if I was THAT keen on watching drivel with her. (I've watched drivel with her on many occasions, and forced her to watch Star Trek, which she considers drivel). I think this started because my sister kicked me and Adam out of the tv room last night. Soon I'll get my own place and the tv will be my oyster.

In other news...

The article I wrote for Today's Parent Toronto made their website.

TorontoFamilies.ca

Stuff that's going on in my life. (a safe, drugfree substitute for valium)

As I may have mentioned before, I have a full time job at a call centre in St. Catharines. We're working on a campaign will a certain American credit card company which means I get to talk to Americans about their credit cards.

Here are some phrases I here frequently:

• What for you want my mother's maiden name?
• I've had this card for years and you people still haven't given me an increase!
• $300! That's ridiculous! I got more money in my pocket right now.
• (after reading a really long script about a product) What was that now?
• (after telling customer his credit limit, and annual percentage rates) I have a question, what's my credit limit? And what's my annual percentage rate?
• You guys are always charging me late fees! What is this late fee for?
• What's this overlimit fee for?
• I've got credit cards with other companies and they don't ________.
• Is my card activated yet? Is my card activated yet?
• I'm on my way to work/church/wherever, can we speed this up?
• Actually I'm calling about my wife's/husband's/daughter's/son's/mother's/father's/cousin's card.

Other stuff that's happened since I last blogged.

• Becca and Drew got married (so, according to tradition, they should now be known as Drew and Becca) I direct your attention to http://merther.blogspot.com/ for some thoughts from and pictures of the groom. I wrote a big long blog about the wedding but it was swallowed by the abyss and I didn't feel like writing another one. We (the bride and bridesmaids) were fashionably late to the ceremony (hairdresser was late, and MOH forgot the ring) but the rain held out long enough to have a beautiful ceremony in the park outside an art gallery.
• I got my first credit card. I don't plan to charge anything on it (I hate owing money) but it will be nice to have for net purchases and stuff. Also I think working for a credit card company has gotten to me.
• Adam is getting a full time job in Mississauga. He's worked for them on and off for a while doing graphic design stuff (websites, advertisements, those cheesey touchscreen things at casinos, etc). Now the full time guy is leaving and it's Adam's turn. We don't have any idea how I'll get to St. Catharines and he'll get to Mississauga when we only have one car, but I'm sure we'll work something out.
• Tomorrow, Adam and I are going to see a play at the Shaw festival (we won the tickets at Drew and Becca's stag and doe).
• Adam and I have been looking for apartments in Burlington for after we're married. Some of them are not bad, and fairly reasonably priced (unlike the houses).

Pre-wedding funness

I'm at my good good friends Becca and Drew's house in St. Catharines. (I met them in my Kindergarten class.) They are getting married on Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yippeee!!! My fellow bridesmaid Kerri, wedding planner extraordinaire Amanda and yours truly are all on laptops: not just for nerds anymore (though all three of us are nerds, except Kerri and Amanda). My sexy fiancé Adam is watching Kevin (the best man even though Adam is really the best) and the groom play a silly boys' shooting game on the Playstation. Katherine is being all maid of honourish and planning wedding stuff. And the Becca is sitting next to me holding a shoe and playing with the future Mr. Becca's hair. Now she's telling a bridesmaid horror story involving red bridal satin and white sunscreen.

Anyway. Today we had the wedding rehearsal at the Rodman Hall, a gorgeous garden outside an art museum. Apparently, my job as bridesmaid is to stand there and look pretty. Must remember not to figit.

Afterwards we had a delicious dinner at a restaurant. I had shrimp in a yummy cheesey sauce with mashed potatoes with bits of skin! (potatoe skin, not what you were thinking). After dinner Drew and Becca gave us all thank you gifts. I got earrings and necklace that will match the bridesmaid dress and (more importantly) a CAREBEAR. I got Cheer Bear because I'm so cheery. It's pink and has a rainbow. I think we were supposed to pay more attention to the jewlery but I'm a six-year-old trapped in a 25-year-old's body.

Later Katherine and Kevin and I (note we don't live in St. Cath) went to get the bridesmaid's dresses steamed. We left at 8:40 and navigated a bunch of oneway streets which, rather than being laid out in a grid pattern, were designed in the 1800s to make the Americans get lost when they come to invade us. The bridal store closes at 9. We got there at 8:56.

I am so gosh darn excited that two of my bestest friends are getting married!!!! The music that we'll be walking to is playing from this laptop. I can picture Becca walking up the aisle (grass) in her pretty white dress with pretty pink roses. It's going to be the best wedding ever in the history of the universe (until September, when Adam and I are getting married).

Canadian Politics...or When will our leaders graduate kindergarten?

Okay so conservative leader Stephen Harper* has joined forces with the evil Bloc Quebecois** so they can cry "non-confidence" in PM PM*** and call a new election. He's pretending this has to do with the sponsership scandel, but clearly Steve just wants to be prime minister.

Meanwhile, the NDPs are supporting Paul Martin as long as he does whatever Jack Layton**** says. So the person who almost nobody voted for is now running the country. O Canada.

For the record I must say that I didn't vote for any of these guys. However, Paul was elected fair and square so leave him alone so he can start actually running the country. People! I don't really care if an election is called because I don't think the results will be all-fire different from last time. I'm still voting Green (it's not just for hippies anymore).

_________________________________________________
*Stephen is anti-gay-marriage and was pro-war-in-Iraq, making his slogan "Make War Not Love".
**The Bloc's only agenda is to seperate from Canada. Obviously so they can be the leaders of their own country.
***Prime Minister Paul Martin currently has no agenda except to stay prime minister. This means he must do nothing that will offend voters. This means he must do nothing.
**** Jack Layton is a dork.