What a week.

So yesterday at around 2 pm, I felt a bit nauseous. Honestly though, it was nothing. I thought I had just strained my eyes from using the computer so soon after eye surgery. I puked a little and felt better. I was sick for all of five minutes. No big deal.

One of my best friends recently found out that she is pregnant and I thought, wouldn't it be funny if I was pregnant too. I wasn't serious, of course, because I didn't feel pregnant (despite the puking). But just for fun I walked down to the pharmacy and bought a stick to pee on:



I know what you're thinking, that's obviously a positive. But that picture was taken today, a full 24 hours later. You aren't even supposed to trust the stick after 10 minutes. At that time the up-and-down line was so faint it could have been imaginary.

I called my husband and he came home right away to take me to the doctor (and because he knew I would be a basket case). My doctor was too busy to see me (he doesn't understand yet that I am his most important patient), so I had to go to the walk-in. I waited for a hundred and four years and they made me pee in a cup. Then some strange doctor told me that I wasn't imagining things. I really am pregnant.

Possible pregnancy symptoms so far:

• 5 minutes of nausea and mild puking yesterday afternoon.
• Waking up at 4 am this morning to whisper "You're going to be a Daddy," to my loving husband.
• Pacing around my apartment like a dodo bird thinking baby baby baby baby baby baby.
• Making spaghetti for lunch. I know, how is this a symptom? I don't usually make stuff for lunch. Usually I eat whatevers leftover, or I graze the fridge. The most I'll do is a sandwich. Today I boiled pasta and made sauce and everything. I wouldn't say I craved spaghetti though, I just felt like it.

That's it. I still don't feel pregnant.

I'm Back

Special thanks to my husband Adam for keeping my blog updated on Saturday when I wasn't supposed to use the 'puter. On Saturday I had my eyes lasered (see photos previous entry). According to my eye exam yesterday, my vision is already 20/20 and should get even better by the end of the week. I can't get over the fact that I don't need glasses. When I go to the washroom, I stand far back from the mirror just for kicks. My new hobby is looking at stuff that's far away.

The actual surgery was a freaky science fiction experience. I was lead into a darkened laboratory with two men and a woman wearing blue bonnets, blue pjs and white lab coats. The surgeon introduced himself to me and told me to lie down on bed that looked like it belonged in a starship sickbay, with a quasi-futuristic triangular pillow for my knees. The woman put what I assumed were numbing drops into my eyes.

Looking up I could see two small lights, the lower one was light green, the top one red. Throughout the procedure the surgeon kept repeating: Look at the red light. Look at the red light. Great. You're doing Great. Like the mantra of some bizarre cult.

After my left eye was taped over, the surgeon began by taping my eyelashes back. Then he used device similar to one used in a Clockwork Orange to pull and hold open my right eyelids. It took him three tries to get it in properly. Great. You're doing Great. Look at the red light.

Then he placed a monocle over my eye and told me that my vision would get dim for a minute. "Suction on," he ordered his associates. For a brief moment everything went dark, then I saw the red light again. As they turned the laser on the red light began pulsating, and I heard a popping, crackling sound and smelled a chemical odor similar to burning hair. Look at the red light. Keep looking at the red light. Great.

Then the right eye was done. As he was untaping my eyelashes he said that pulling the tape off is the worst part. Ha! Hardly. The left eye was.

Same drill as the right, except I felt it. Not enough to hurt. Just enough to be worried it was going to hurt, and enough to be aware of everything they were doing. When they cut my cornea this time I could see this clear plastic-looking flap being pulled up. That's part of my eye, I thought. Oh, gross, that's my eye! There's always a little more sensation in the left, one of the men said. Now you tell me.

When they were done they lead me into to one of those stick-your-chin-here-and-your-forehead-here stations and examined their handiwork. The woman held my eyes open while the surgeon painted my eye with a paintbrush. Just making adjustments, he said. Adjustments?

"You have a beautiful flap," one of the men said.
"Thanks." I replied.

After the surgery my vision was foggy. For contact lens wearers, you can compare how I felt to the irritated tearing sensation you get when contacts first go in after sitting in cleaning solution. I couldn't keep my eyes open, so when I got home I took a nap. When I woke up, 2 hours later, it was like I had never needed glasses. It was amazing.

Laser Eye Jen!

Well today is the day that Jen, went to get her laser eye surgery. it was a tough night. i suppose I (adam, Jens husband) was nervous as i couldnt get much sleep. but Jen was a trooper.. not really worried about the surgery or someone cutting both her Eyeballs (GAH!) she was just excited to finally be rid of her glasses

we got up at 7:00 , Jens appointment was at 9:00 at Lazik MD in misissauga, traffic was good we got there by 8:45, receptionist looked over some papers.. to make sure she signed her consent form. after about 30min wait Jen was called into an office where she talked to some lady who handels the $$$, after 10 min or so she came back..

Jen also recieved a fannypack with cool terminator limo Black tint sunglasses, and several small bottles of various eye drops.

the waiting room is very nice with leathery sofas all over and large plasma displays on the walls. showing the news.
also on the walls were some dali prints - (see photo)


Jen was in and out of several short exams to test her vision again or something.
after waiting and waiting and even more waiting. we finally got moved into a smaller waiting room. where jen got a hair net cap and was close to actually going to surgery




finally we were moved into the even smaller (you are almost there) waiting room. this room was dimly lit and had one sofa and two really reclined chairs. this is the recovery area

after about 20 minutes in this room. jen was taken to the operating room.
after about 20 min she returned and sat in the super reclining chair. a nurse came out and gave her drops

then we went to sit again and wait. as we had to wait another hour then jen got checked over again.
and then we waited another 45 minutes and jen had one final (for today) 1.5 minutes checkover
and then we were let go.

on the way out there is a bin where. you can leave your glasses to donate to the poor (see photo)



so we arrived at 8:45 and left by 1:30 i believe
we finally got home and jen took a nap. and got to wear some really fashionable tape on eye protectors so she doesnt hurt her eyes while sleeping. luckily she only needs to wear these for a few days




all in all. Jen is very pleased with her new Bionic Eyes! aparently she can already see better then she did with her glasses on.
and it should only get better by tomorrow. oh and we have a checkup appointment tomorrow morning at the lazik md office in toronto.

Last post with glasses

Today's the day. Today I change from Clark Kent into Superman (laser vision and all).

Last movie seen with glasses: X-men 3
Last meal eaten with glasses: Golden Grahams
Last outfit worn with glasses: Wonder Woman T-shirt and jeans

Check back later, when my darling husband will be posting pics of the experience. If anyone needs me I'll be here.

Last day of glasses

A few weeks ago Adam received a spanking-new apparantly-worth-a-grand computer monitor which, in the spirit of true love, was charged to my credit card. Now the good people of Dell have given us (and charged us for) a second monitor. Good thing I'm rolling in money. I mean, I have an eye operation to pay for!

Speaking of which, today is the last day of glasses because tommorrow I go under the laser beam. Yesterday I bought some cool retro sunglasses, so I can still be stylish even when I don't need glasses (a fact that seems to be contrary to popular opinion).

Enumerate this!

Today was my first official day as enumerator for the Statistics Canada 2006 Census. Most of the good citizens have already sent in their forms and my job is to harass all those stragglers who forgot/never got around to it/hate the government. I haven't harassed anyone yet (in training). I did, however, finally get a straight answer about how I get paid.

Rather than getting paid by the hour, I get paid per form. If I can't get it filled out (because they refused, or because I can't reach them even after calling them at home and banging on their door six times) then I get paid a mere $1.50. If I'm a good little soldier and get the straggler to give me all their personal info, I get $3.50. If they have one of those annoyingly long forms, that asks about the number of pimples on their forehead and whether the budgie has fleas, I get a whopping $5.50 (provided we actually get it filled out). These fees are only if I fill it out for them, or if they physically hand it to me. If they randomly decide to mail it in or do it online, I get $1.50 and jack else.

I also get paid something like $25/week (don't remember the exact figure) for "incidentals" (parking, wear on my shoes from walking around, etc.), And of course about $140 for 2 days of training.

I'm hoping all this works out to more than minimum wage. Though even the tiny moneys I make are treats at this point.

The Falls on V Day

In honour of Queen Victoria's birthday Adam and I, along with our friends Becca and Drew, went to Niagara Falls to see the fireworks. First we had dinner at Ruby Tuesday's (the yummiest, butteriest, most deep fried place ever) and then wandered around with five hours to kill (the fireworks started at 10). For those of you who have never been, Niagara Falls is a cornucopia of haunted houses, souvenir shops and wax museums. We didn't actually go in any of them but just checking out the outside of them is enough for nearly endless hours of amusement. Here's the stuff we did (or a guide to killing five hours at the Falls without cash):

• We went to the IMAX theatre. We didn't see a movie (12$ for 45 min bah!) but we checked out all the barrels that folks have used over the years to go over the falls. People are crazy. I would think that it would be the fall that would kill you doing that, but it seems most people are thwarted by the cops, or run out of oxygen.
• I got my picture taken with the Pope. Okay so he was made of wax, but he was totally holy.
• We went to the casino. No, we didn't gamble. But we wandered around the mall and sat by that bizarre-looking fountain that looks like a giant 18th-century time machine.
• We got some fudge. Sure, this costs cash, but you must get fudge when you go to Niagara fudge. A most unhealthy combination of sugar, butter, and cream, working together to create a melt-in-your-mouth brick of orgasm.
• We walked all over the universe. Call me out of shape, but the streets of Niagara Falls are super up-hill (or super down-hill depending on which direction you're going), and my calves say no, Jen, no.
• We saw the fireworks. It's important never to loose that sense of wonder you get when watching a really good fireworks show. These were great. Ooooooo. Ahhhhhh. Big Bang.

Happy Mother's Day

This year is the first that I have both a Mom and a Mom-in-law so I had a full day of fun. First, Adam and I brought our heavy duty waffle iron over to my parents house for a special mother's day breakfast. Then off to Bronte Creek, for the trillium trail, some allergen producing farm animals, and the play barn (for my nephew, apparently I became too old for the play barn 16 years ago). The peacocks and goats ate right from our hands, and there were piglets.

For more farm fun it was off to the in-law family farm (actually it belongs to Adam's uncle, who spontaneously decided to start a vineyard a month or two ago.) I got to drive the brand new tractor! Check out the pic. Do I not look like I was born to farm? (Well I wasn't, I'm allergic to nature. Though I've 80% grown out of my allergies, my thinks).

Just think...this will be one of the last pictures of me with glasses on. (And without them, I won't be wearing nearly enough red).

May 27- New Eyeballs

That's right, on May 27 I will have my substandard nearsighted eyeballs removed and replaced with sparkling new peepers. Well, actally they'll just repair my current peepers by slicing open my cornea and zappity zapping my eyeballs with freakin "laser" beams. But Jen, you say, you can see perfectly fine with your glasses on, why go through this icky process? I get asked this a fair bit, so I made a list of all the things that would much easier/more enjoyable without glasses (or contacts).

• Daily life. My glasses spontaneously dirty themselves about five seconds after I clean them, so I usually view the world through translucent oily blotches.
• Anything requiring a mirror. I often find myself bending over the sink to be "near" enough for my reflection to be "sighted". I wear glasses when I brush my teeth, but any sort of eyebrow-pluckage and make-up application (as if) requires leaning in, and subsequent shirt wetting.
• Shaving of legs. Nobody wears their glasses in the shower. As such, I'm forced to awkwardly fold myself in order to see my gorilla limbs in detail.
• Swimming. I don't wear any sort of vision aid to swim. When I get my new peepers I hope to be able to see everything from the sign that says "No running on the deck" the friends and family who swim farther than two feet away from me.
• Going to the zoo. Especially in the winter. Moving constantly from the freezing cold to a simulated tropical environment makes a glasses-wearer all foggy.
• Scuba diving. Not that I do this super often. But when I snorkeled in Mexico I had to wear my contacts. And salt water + contacts = paranoia
• Roller-coasters. Am I the only one who worries the glasses are going to fly off? Takes away from the enjoyment of the ride, says I.
• Being in the rain. Drippity drops. 'Nuff said.
• Watching movies. Especially at a drive-in. The translucent greasy blotches are now accompanied by a bug-splattered windshield. GAH!
• Cooking steamy stuff.
• Eating steamy stuff (like soup).
• Changing clothes. I once broke my glasses in half taking off a sweater, then got them taped with the aid of the first-aid nurse-man and some surgical tape.
• Sunglass shopping. Two reasons. One, I take off my glasses, put on sunglasses, and then try to determine if the beige blur in the mirror looks hot in her shades. Two, perscription sunglasses are a triffle more expensive than the does-zilch-but-block-sunlight variety.
• Watching tv. My glasses skew themselves at odd angles when I attempt to stretch out and rest my head on the couch.

I'm sure there's more. I can't begin to predict the wonders that await me after May 27.

Quark Course

I'm taking a course in Quark as part of my magazine certificate program. Tonight is the first class. As in right now. How's it going? Well, I'm writing a blog entry. What does that tell you?

Why do computer classes always cater to the lowest common denominator? It's like having a class on writing, where the first class is an overview of the alphabet. Being that we're living in a computer age, where if you don't know how to use a computer you're pretty much out of luck, isn't it reasonable to assume some prior knowledge?

The teacher is now explaining something that I figured out half an hour ago just by clicking around. I may be a smart cookie, but I'm no computer genius. The trouble is, if I drop this course I won't be able to say on my résumé that I took a course in Quark. Also, I wouldn't be able to replace the course with another because I've taken everything that's offered this term. GAH!

Hunter and Auntie Jen Sleepover Extravaganza

Hunter, my almost 5-year-old nephew, is sleeping over tonight. My sister has a new job to go to early in the morning (or something) and so me and my fabulously generous husband "Uncle Adam" are taking Hunter to kindergarten tommorrow. So he has to sleep over. Well, I guess he doesn't HAVE TO have to. But whatever, this is a fun thing for him (and me).

Hunter convinced me to play some MarioKart with him before he put his pjs on. It seems no matter who I have over we end up playing MarioKart. I drove while Hunter flung turtle shells and stuff. We won first place.

Then Hunter put his pjs on, without too much cajoling, then announced that he needed to go to the washroom. We had forgotten (gasp) to pack his toothbrush and his (much tastier than ours) toothpaste. I let him borrow my toothbrush and I borrowed my husband's (makes perfect sense right?). Hunter doesn't like mint toothpaste so I had to resort to tickling to get him to co-operate (brilliant Auntie parenting tactics). At least his four front teeth got a really good brushing.

The futon was all prepared (in advance by the brilliant Auntie) and I got Hunter out a super soft green blanket. Believe it or not I do not have any picture books in my apartment so I had to use my brain and make up a story. This was kind of like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, only I replaced Goldilocks with Hunter and Auntie Jen. Hunter demanded a sequel (in which Hunter helped Baby Bear decode the new security system Papa Bear had installed). Then I declared it bed time.

Hunter wanted me to sleep with him and said he wouldn't sleep unless I was there. I didn't really want to and I should get my way sometimes (darn it, I'm the Auntie!) We discussed this for a bit and finally I told him he didn't have to sleep as long as he stayed in bed and kept quiet. Then I said good night and left. I don't know if he actually went to sleep, but I haven't heard a peep out of him. Best nephew ever.