I've done it! As of today I've worked the 600 hours needed to apply for maternity benefits. In fact, I'm two and a half hours over.
Special thanks to the good people at these fine establishments:
*company name censored*, aka the pink dust cloud, who hired me to work once a week just because I begged them to. And they fed me lunch.
Express Personnel, who worked their butts off trying to get me enough hours, and, when they had no work from clients, brought me in to do busy work in their office.
I'll be applying for my benefits on Friday, when the aforementioned employers will supposedly have my Records of Employment ready. I shall have to bring them a present.