Recipe: Ham and Cheese Muffins

These muffins are yummy. Mommy told me how to make them in 20 easy steps.

1) Put 1 cup of cheese in the food processor (if you don't have one, I suppose you could use some poor person's device)

2) Food process the cheese

3) Dump cheese into container (for later)

4) Preheat oven to 400 degrees

5) Put 1 cup of ham in food processor

6) Food process ham

7) Put 3 "big T" tablespoons into a cup

8) Microwave buttercup for 41 seonds or 'till it's melted

9) Put 2 cups of flour and 2 tablespoons of sugar and 3 "little t" teaspoons of baking powder in the food processor

10) Give it a whir

11) Put 1 egg in a cup

12) Swish the egg vigorously with a fork

13) Put the eggcup and the buttercup and a cup of milk in a bowl

14) Put dry stuff (flour/sugar/baking powder) into wet stuff (egg/butter/milk) a little at a time while you stir (that's right, use all 3 of your arms)

15) Put ham and cheese in with everything else

16) Stir it up

17) Pam a muffin tin or two

18) Put all the stuff in the muffin tin. Mommy says, if you leave some of the tins empty put water in them so the pan doesn't get ruined (or something...I dunno...just do it okay?)

19) Put it in the oven for 20-30 minutes (start with 20 minutes, then if they still look raw put 'em in for another 10)

20) Ding! Eat the muffins

Polski Flashski

I made a Flash cartoon IN POLISH. (Don't worry, there's subtitles).

http://www.filipowicz.ca/jen/autobus.html

Enjoy.

BTW: Please note, I don't actually speak Polish.

Let the merry bells keep ringing...

I neglected this blog at X-mas. As such, here is the week in review:

Friday, December 24 (Christmas Eve)

In the morning Adam and I went tobogganning on the most perfect tobogganning snow that ever was. I just love tobogganing.

For dinner, my mom made roast beef and yorkshire pudding and crème brulé. Yum! Adam didn't have dinner because he was eating at his parents house (his Mom also made a X-mas dinner extravaganza). After dinner, we found the books that the book elf brought us (the book elf always comes X-mas Eve). I got Oryx and Crake, an SF novel by Margaret Atwood.

Next it was off to the Filipowicz house to eat more dessert and to open presents with Adam's family (his Mom, Dad, sister, and visiting aunt, uncle and aunt Marian). At Adam's house Santa drops off presents throughout the month (I assume this is to save time on the big night) and they open them on Christmas Eve.

Saturday, December 25 (You there! What day is it?...What Day? Why, it's Christmas Day!)

My nephew woke me up at 7am. This is not that early for a kid at Christmas, I grant you, but I was not even close to being slightly by the stretchiest most imaginative stretch of the imagination awake. The exchange went something like this:
Auntie Jen! It's Christmas!
UGhhghhhh
Auntie Jen look! The Christmas Spirit!
Huh?
At this point I look my bedroom window and I see the most beautiful pink sunrise I have ever seen. Okay, I thought, I can get up. Adam slept over so he could enjoy the X-mas morning fun. Unfortunately he slept downstairs and missed the Christmas spirit.

Next we looked in our stockings. Santa accidentally put my icy squares on the radiater and they were oozing something white. They still tasted good though. I won't bore you with all the stuff that came in my stocking, or all the presents (which came next). The highlights: My parents got Adam and I dance lessons (yippee). My brother got me a Leisure Suit Larry Game (Remember Leisure Suit Larry? He's over five pixels now.). It turns out this game is evil and addictive and has been occupying my every moment with its raunchy antics. Adam got me the Nightmare Before Christmas Game. Other people got me some other stuff. Hunter got a plethera of Batman toys. I got him this plush batman that makes oof! noises when you press its chest. It was fun watching him pummel the crud out of it. Poor Batman.

Sunday, December 26 (Boxing Day)

I wanted to go to the zoo (the Metro Toronto Zoo is free with a can of food on boxing day) but NOONE would go with me. I went shopping (which only crazy people do on boxing day) with Adam. Adam bought the Lord of the Rings extended versions boxed set at CinemaOne for a ten dollars more than every other sold-out store. I bought myself a Snow White Evil Queen purse at Claire's (this was marked down to 50% off but I have a suspicion that it was first marked up 103%). On the way home Becca called Adam's cell and asked to hang out. Shortly after Amy and Dayna called and wanted to hang out too. The boy wanted to go to Best Buy (he had gift cards) and Becca came along. All the insane-asylum escapees were shopping at Best Buy. Normally mild-mannered Burlingtonians were behaving like Americans in the parking lot. We all went to Amy's house and had a grand ol' time. Amy and I exchanged gifts. I gave Amy a My Little Pony and a Strawberry Shortcake Umbrella (we grew up in the 80s) and Amy gave me a set of Nightmare Before Christmas plush toys (they rule). Then we all went to see The Phantom of the Opera, which I highly recommend. Here's to us! A toast to all the city, such a pity that the phantom can't be here!


Monday, December 27

We went to Toronto with Adam's parents to get a suit for Adam. I slipped on the ice and fell on my bum. Some old lady came out of nowhere and said "careful, it's slippery". No kidding. The rest of the we hung out with Adam's friend Chris, who was down from Ottawa.

Tuesday, December 28

My nanna (who always brings her friend), uncle, aunt, and cousins came over for dinner. For the occasion I cleaned my room (don't look under the bed). My cousins are the greatest. Kelly taught me some dance moves and Kelly, Joey, Hunter, and I piled on top of Adam and tried to tickle him. He's such a good sport, my Adam.

Wednesday, December 29 (Yesterday)

We hung out with Chris again. We went tobogganning for a little bit. The snow wasn't as perfect as Christmas Eve but it wasn't stupidly slow. We sprayed our sled with Pam, but I don't think it did anything (except leave a trail of yellow, which was pretty fun). Then we played Risk 2210 (which Adam bought himself for Christmas). That game takes 3 hours, a long time to invest in something that your going to just lose. Then we went to see SpongeBob Squarepants. We were supposed to see it with my brother but there was a miscommunication and he didn't come. I was disappointed and this ruined the first 20 minutes of the flick for me. But it was a funny movie.


So that's it.
Happy New New Year!

Blog your own adventure...2nd installment...An alien in a Santa suit

Hi guys, I have stuff to blog about X-mas but there's something infinitely more fun I want to do. My friend Becca started a blog your own adventure at her blog (http://becca_cricket.blogspot.com) and I'm going to continue it here. If you want to read the beginning of the story you have to go to Becca's blog. If you want to continue the story leave some kind of comment here that goes something like "if you want Kaitlyn to go dancing go to www.yourblogurl.com" Then, in your blog, link to both the beginning of the story and my blog. (This is not only fun but also a sneaky way to increase traffic). Enjoy!

_____________________________________________________

When we last left our hero... It was Christmas Eve and Kaitlyn had just heard a loud bang. She ran to the window to see what was a matter. There it was, on the roof of her house; a sleigh, a bunch of reindeer, and yes, yes, the big man himself. Kaitlyn ran down the stairs. Naughty list or not she had to get Santa's autograph. Surely that would be worth risking her presents?

She reached her fire place just in time to see a tiny man in a red suit and black boots wriggling out of the chimney. "Santa!" she exclaimed with glee. Then, something made Kaitlyn pause. The little man had the suit, it's true, and the boots, and even the long white beard. But his eyes were large and purple, his skin was a pale green, and Kaitlyn thought she saw a tentacle emerge brieflly from underneath the coat's white trim.

Kaitlyn gasped. She tried to run but a strange force held her in place. She heard a voice, not out loud but inside her head. Young Earth Animal. Do not be fearful. I am Nicton from what you would call Jupiter. I am a scientist. I only want to have a look at your organs. I promise to put everything back when I'm done.

Kaitlyn did not like the sound of this!

12 Days of Christmas

It's here! It's on time! My 2004 Flash Christmas greeting. This may be my best work yet! (or not, you be the judge).

Click HERE to enjoy this fabulous work of art absolutely free!


MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!

If you have praise/critiques/comments on 12 days of Christmas, please comment here. And stay tuned for a Polish flash cartoon entitled "Autobus" some time in the new year.

Tardy Christmas Flash

I decided to make a Christmas Flash movie based on the Twelve Days of Christmas. I don't want to give much away, but the sound track (if I ever get it to work) is sung my none other than the lovable Bing "White Christmas man" Crosby, and some woman.

Note that I said "if I ever get it to work." The animation is no problem for a silent flash veteran like myself, but this year I wanted to go to the next level. Now I have to learn a whole new set of program quirks. For example, when I test the movie the song plays over and over and over again, even after I tell the 'puter to stop playing. The only way to stop the persistent Christmas crooning is to shut the program down completely.

I hope my Christmas Flash isn't tardy.
Adam, help me?

The Creepy Train Man

My parents and I took Hunter(my train-obsessed nephew) to ride the Christmas train in Hamilton. They put this train up every year for the kids to ride for free and there's also some live reindeers there that you can feed by buying pellets out of a 25-cent machine. It's a perfect family-friendly, Christmas card moment. Except...

The guy who operates the little train is a scary creepy man. He wears a filthy blue mechanic's jumpsuit and smells like cigarettes. The children giggle and chortle, enjoying the ride, completely oblivious to the creepy man's evil scowl. When the train stops all the little three to six-year-olds leap out, run around the gate to the entrance door and line up. The exact same children line up each time, all the while the creepy man scowls. Then, suddenly and without warning, he takes a smoke break. The children stand at the gate with bewildered expressions on their faces. The creepy man's break is just long enough for Hunter and I to feed the reindeer. When we return to the train, the man has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. The ashes fall to the ground as he lets the kids on the train. Hunter and the kids ride the train one more time and then, again without warning, the creepy man runs away dwon the street. The train was supposed to run until 7:30pm and it was only 6. I guess the man went off to have dinner, but he didn't say boo to anyone.

They asked me back on Monday

Friday was supposed to be my last day for marking Grade Ten Literacy Tests. Unfortunately the stream of stupidity is unending and they asked me to come back and mark on Monday. The money lured me in.


I think I'll go shoot myself in the foot.



Oh, by the way. Happy Birthday Amy!

Grade Ten Illiteracy Test

I've been negligent in my blogging of late because I've been working as a marker for the Grade Ten Literacy Test (you know the test all the Gr10s have to pass or "no high school diploma for you dorks!"). Anyway, I signed a confidentiality agreement saying I wouldn't talk about the marking process or any of the test answers. I assume this is because if, say, I mentioned a funny wrong answer in my blog entry the following might occur:

• The kid who wrote the answer (or a similar answer) might happen to read my blog
• Said young person would think to himself/herself "Oh crap! That was wrong!?"
• This highly illiterate, yet technically savvy, young teenager would build a time machine, go back in time to when he/she was writing the test, and change the aforementioned answer.

While this might at first seem like a big threat; you will see from the following two points that the chances of problems arising from this scenario are minimal:

• If the aforementioned youngster finds the test difficult to comprehend, he/she will not understand the complicated vocabulary of my blog
• Even if he/she does manage to understand my blog, build a time machine, go back in time and change his/her answer, he/she will likely get most of the other test questions wrong and fail anyway

Unfortunately I did sign the agreement so I can't tell you anything. You aren't missing much, don't worry.

Albino Blacksheep / Flash / How to Kill a Mockingbird

Harper Lee's Classic To Kill a Mockingbird has finally been made into flash cartoon. There are a few parts I don't remember from the book, but then I haven't read it since high school.

Albino Blacksheep / Flash / How to Kill a Mockingbird

Men's Birth Control Pill

Near the end of Star Trek Deep Space Nine, Sisko's wife got pregnant because HE forgot to take his birth control injection. That's right, in the Star Trek Universe, it's the men who have to worry about pills, injections, and possible cancer-causing hormones. (As it should be since they are the ones sticking their sperm where it shouldn't be). Here is yet another example of Star Trek becoming reality:

Male birth control pill - hormonal oral contraceptive for men

D.E.B.R.A.

Adam and I created the following revolving story today (well, yesterday since it's after midnight now). I recommend this activity to anyone who wants to write sophisticated literature; poetic, high-brow stuff. I've corrected some of the typos but have done my best to keep most of the creative punctuation intact. Enjoy.

D.E.B.R.A.
by Jen McNicoll and Adam Filipowicz

Francine was a super intelligent scientist who wanted to create a super cool Gynoid for fun, and so she would have someone to chat with about super-intelligent scientific stuff. Francine got a whole bunch popsicles sticks and thought to herself.. ah what a perfect material. Cheap available in large quantities and a neat colour.. she also got a glue gun and some sticks.. she began to glue the sticks together but then thought.. hmm maybe this isn't such a great idea.. so she went down to Radio Shack and got some super-scientific stuff including an adaptor that turned popsicle sticks into super-conductive batteries to power gynoids. She made a Gynoid and called her Debra which stood for Damn Elaborate Brain Re Android .. a very good acronym. She then stuck Debra with peanuts thinking children would like her more..

Francine and Debra took a walk to the park where They discovered a body that had been hiding in the bushes for twenty years. Debra called the cold case lady and music from the late eighties began wafting through the air coming from Debra's toes, Debra didn't understand the music as her brain wasn't advanced enough to compute the weird vibes. She began to smoke.. Francine was scared and immediately shut off Debra.. then dragged her back to her lab.. not caring about the soot that was getting all over her new shirt.

Francine installed an eighties a-track adaptor into Debra and fixed the problem. Then she called the cold case lady to see how the case was going. The great part about the cold case files is that they always solve the mystery in an hour.. so it was all solved and Francine was all confident she would not have to think about the cold case ever again.. she then went to the movies. With Debra and the cold case lady. The cold case lady paid for popcorn and jubejubies. Unfortunately the jubejubies were made with live aliens that someone had found on mars and thought was gelatin. So then Francine stuffed the cold case lady full of these jubies and the lady died very horrible death and then vanished without a trace . Never to be heard from again. And then Francine's memories of anything related to cold case was erased magically..

the next day.. They went to the cloning department in Francine's lab and cloned the cold case lady from DNA she found on her shoe. Suddenly Francine's memories of cold case came racing back. Suddenly Debra was horrified to find the cold case lady.. so she grabbed her and stuffed her into the vaporizer with any remnants of her DNA with Francine.. they both died.. Debra then went to Australia and met a guy name coolio.. they bought a microwave. The radiation from the microwave destroyed Debra's popsicle stick brain and she turned into a stupidhead that coolio had to spoon feed. Serves her right for murdering her mommy and the cold case lady.

Coolio went to Brains R Us and bought a new brain.. for Debra.. then installed in 7 minutes.. they then went to the library and took out all books based on the letters C O L & D and burned them.

One day they were watching mice run down a river of blood when.. Debra thought.. hmm I want some paper wall mounts.. to hang some zebras then thought.. I can go to the store.

Debra's brain was not working. The store where they bought it was run by the jubejubie aliens and they had it in for Debra ever since they got stuffed into the cold case lady. The aliens had some of the cold case lady's DNA and cloned her into a super slug.. since they had no idea how to clone. Anything..luckily for Debra.. these aliens were only 3 mm tall and Debra squished them.. without effort..

Debra and Coolio then lived happily ever after in their log house with 2 dogs and 4 kids, 4 cars and a nice digital camera.

The end

Birthday/Rememberance Day Celebration

Yesterday was my birthday and I have a few things to report but first a word about Rememberance Day.

I keep seeing this commercial on television with this army guy wearing medals out to his armpit. He says that we should remember that soldiers in all those wars (WWI, WWII, etc) all fought and gave their lives and their youth so that we can have the freedoms we take for granted. In my opinion, this is a load of BS. Oh, I agree that we should remember what the veterans sacrificed. Whole families were destroyed; teenage boys died horrible deaths. But the reason that we should remember, and one of the reasons why war is so hard to take, is that the sacrifice was for no reason. No good can come of war. If we forget that, then the good ol' boys really did die for nothing.


On a lighter note
The Birthday Report

In the morning I went to Toronto with my Mommy. We went to the Eaton Centre and I bought all kinds of fab clothes that I can wear to a cushy office job (or an interview to get a cushy office job). Two red button-down shirts, two red bras, two skirts (one black and one red), and a black blazer. My mom had a CANSCAIP meeting in to go to afterwards and I had copyediting class (but I didn't go, are you crazy?).

I left my Mommy in Toronto and took the train home. Then Adam gave me his present to open. He got me a Wonder Woman Barbie Doll, a Strong Bad T-shirt, and the movie Aladdin on Disney DVD. I'm saving the wrapping because he drew cool pictures on it.

Then it was time to have birthday dinner. Normally speaking we'd have dinner at my house and my mom would make a delicious chocolate cake that leans slightly to one side, but since Mom had CANSCAIP we are doing that tonight. Anyway, the plan was to meet Amy at Café Tu Tu Tango, the artsy fartsy place I've been meaning to try in Mississauga. Unfortunately that restaurant is closed forever. So we went to Red Lobster instead. I opened Amy's prezzie while we waited for food. She got me a cool Princess Leia action figure, wearing her Jabba the Hut sexslave outfit; and a Knights of the Zodiac girl (don't ask, I have no idea). She wrapped it all nice with a Milar balloon. That's right folks, presentation is important (although I find it quite charming that my grandmother often attacks her parcels with electrical tape and that my sister has been known to wrap a present in a towel).

We all ordered the all you can eat shrimp. It turns out that all I can eat is not a whole lot. By the time my second order of shrimp, shrimp pasta, came I took one bite and was full. This might have something to do witht he fact that me and Amy ordered the Lobsterita. We thought it would be a regular-sized strawberry Marguarita but instead it was as big as our heads (no worries I wasn't driving). The thing came with some cheesey (and therefore cool) lobster beads which Wonder Woman Barbie is currently wearing. When we were done I got a free birthday dessert, a rasberry cobler which, though yummy, I could not eat. Adam ate it (he wasn't filled up with giant drink).

After dinner we said bye to Amy and me and Adam went to his house for more presents. Adam's mom gave me a sweater and a pretty red coat, Adam's sister gave me some roses, and Adam's Dad gave me a piece of the apple he was eating (just kidding, that wasn't actually a present). After that we went to my house and watched my new Aladdin DVD. Later, when I find the remote, I'll watch the special features. When I went to bed that night there were birthday cards on my bed from my nephew. Very cute.

So that was my birthday. Today is my birthday part 2. I'll get the presents from the rest of my family and we can Remember that chocolate cake is WAY better than war by eating my mom's famous leaning birthday cake.

Luck Be a Lady Bug.

There's a lady bug in my bedroom. I keep hearing this buzzing sound and raising my hand to swat the offending insect; then I see that it's a lady bug. Then I feel all guilty. I almost squashed a lady bug. Several times. Why can't I kill a lady bug you ask? Duh! Everyone knows lady bugs are good luck. Well this one better be because I'm counting on it (and my lucky earrings) to get me that job at Royal Bank.

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

That's right, a 2-day post. Yesterday I cut the post short because Adam came over. The lady bug is crawling on my keyboard now. This should help me get my homework done for my fact-checking class; I have to write a 400 word thing on my classmate Vince. If I get done that I might enter some contests on-line.

She's crawling on my mouse cord. Mom thinks I should get rid of her: "Tell her her children are on fire." That, of course is a reference to the nursery rhyme:

Ladybug! Ladybug!
Fly away home.
Your house is on fire.
And your children all gone.

All except one,
And that's little Ann,
For she crept under the frying pan.

I think I'll call my lady bug Ann. Ann, can you make it sunny for my birthday tomorrow? It smells like winter outside. Icky.

The Blog in The Abyss

I wrote a blog all about my interview at the Royal Bank today. I even wrote it en français so that I could practice my french (because they need a bilingual person). It was beautiful and eloquent and my French wasn't half bad but, alas, when I clickety-clicked "Publish Post" the 'puter thought I'd clicked "Send Post into Abyss". I don't feel like typing the whole french rant again so if you want to hear me speak french or hear about my interview you'll just have to talk to me (now there's a concept).

All the World's waiting for Me!

Here's a picture of me and Adam as Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor at K&K's Halloween party:



And here's a picture of me as Wonder Woman (so you can see me, sexy boots and all):



And guess what? I won fourth prize in the costume contest! Here is a picture of my trophy:



Speech! Speech!

Special thanks are due to Becca, who hemmed the skirt, altered the bathing suit, sewed the belt (though Adam's Mom insisted on redoing it), and sewed the sexy red booties. Also thank you to Adam's mom who improved the belt, sewed on the eagle, and lent her ID tag clip to the lasso of truth. Thank you to Kevin and Kerri for hosting the extravaganza and to all the folks who voted for me, especially Adam (because he's the cutest). For the record I, who cannot sew any better than a drunken idiot, sewed on the red stars (bracelet and crown), and sewed the the cape ALL BY MYSELF out of dollar-store scarves (I also painted the stars on but WHO CARES, we all knew I could paint).

In closing I would like to say: it's thundering really loud outside! (I know that had nothing to do with anything but listen to it! Aaaah!)

Luxenburg?

In my dream I was a small boy of about eight. My parents and I were running from someone. We thought we'd have a better chance if we split up. We had to get to Luxenburg. I went the wrong way on the stairs and missed the train. For some reason I had to give my wallet to a chubby black man in order to get to the bus. When I got to the bus I realized I had no money so I tried to bow my head and get by the driver. She was going to let me on anyway because she saw my train ticket but I had to show my driver's licence. I went back inside to get my wallet. There were hundreds of identically dressed people in chairs facing forward. The black man was among them. He mimed that I needed my wallet. I nodded and he got it for me. When I got back to the bus there was a tv screen on the side of it that said there was a plague emergency that the bus had to respond to. It started to leave without me. I jumped on the side of the bus and held on. Eventually the bus driver stopped and let me in. By this time I was myself.

Some odd things about this dream:

• To my knowledge, I have never dreamt I was someone else before. I didn't recognize the eight-year-old or his parents.
• What eight-year-old has a drivers licence? This seemed perfectly normal in my dream and became a non-issue since by the time it got time to show my licence I was myself (though even when I was the eight-year-old the wallet I recognized as my own).
• I know nothing about Luxenburg other than it must be somewhere in Europe (because of the German sounding name). I have no idea why I would dream that I needed to get there. I looked it up on the net just now, though, and some info can be found here.
• Somethings seemed normal to me that should have been weird: What's with the identically dressed people? Why would a bus need to respond to a plague?

The Good, the Bad, and the Letter B

The day started off great. I went to work with my honeybear at Metropolitan Printing. They needed someone to put calendar pages in order and I am their calendar girl! (ok, so the work itself was not all-fire exciting but I it's nice to be making money for a change. Plus, Adam is cute when he's working on stuff). When I got home there was a message from Royal Bank. They are going to do interview with me over the phone for a position as "Fraud Agent".

This is all good but it's all down hill from there. Shortly after I talked to the RBC lady, I got a call from Becca telling me that one of our friends is in the hospital. When I got off the phone with Becca I got a call for Kelona Airlines saying "Sorry, no job for you, but we'll keep your résumé on file for a laugh." What the #$@#? Clearly I am the best person for the job! I AM SO #$@# CHEERY!

In other news I have an over-occurrence of the letter "B" in my dreams lately. Blueberries, Becel, butter, bag, blog, bucket (last night) and Bloor, Brant, Burlington (the other night I happened to remember my dream). This is too many to be a coincidence isn't it? What could this mean?

Team America World Police

Stupidity, hillarity and a total lack of shyness about using the F-word. That's what you expect from the South Park creater. And that's what you get. With Puppets! This movie is super funny. ****

I feel the need to list some of my favourite parts but that would spoil the movie! (So you gots to highlight to read them)

• When they were attacked by panthers that were really pussy cats
• The pussy, dick, asshole speech
• Matt Damon
• The montage song
• The inspecter getting eaten by sharks
• Blowing up the Louvre, the Eiffel tower, the Pyramids, the Sphinx
• Lease, the musical
• I.N.TE.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
• America Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)

Just in case you were curious and read them...don't worry they're not in order (and there's lots more funny parts). :)

Fun Facts

For lack of original material to blog about I have decided to shamelessly plagarize some facts I found at http://www.fun-facts.com :

• Humans are the only species on earth that have face-to-face sex.
• The average bra size today is 36C. Ten years ago it was 34B.
• The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
• The word "pornography" comes from the Greek meaning the "writings of prostitutes."
• The Bible, the world's best-selling book, is also the world's most shoplifted book.
• People who drink coffee are less likely to commit suicide than people who don’t.
• According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.
• Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds—more than any other animal.
• Women who went to college are more likely than high school dropouts to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex.

For those of you who are curious:

• I'm about a half a cup above average
• I don't drink coffee (but I'm not depressed)
• I went to college/uni

Weirdo Chocolate Sour Lady Bugs

My family got these weird candies for halloween. They're chocolate lady bugs with green sour filling. Bizarre. It's like eating a sour kid and a hershey bar at the same time. Is it just me or are those tastes not meant to be together? Maybe I'm just old and set in my ways. I should expand my horizons and eat all kinds of junk food together. BBQ chips and gummy bears, Easter Bunny and cotton candy (actually that would be kind of good).

Before I tell you about yesterday I have to tell you about this dream...

In my dream I was watching a Looney Tunes Cartoon with Eireann then suddenly we were driving down the wrong side of the road with cars swerving to avoid us. At first I thought it was a live action part of the cartoon. Eireann was driving. We were pulled over by the army. The head army person was a woman with big triangular earrings. I thought the cartoon must be made in the 80s. I was surprised to find we were in Burlington and had been driving down Brant Street. We walked around and there were all kinds of big white tents set up. Everyone seemed to recognize Eireann and I from the news. They said we had been driving the wrong way down Bloor Street (since Bloor is in Toronto, I guess we must have been driving a while before the army pulled us over!). I saw Adam and he was eating a waffle shaped like a pizza slice. I saw there were waffles in a pizza pan with a sign above them that said "Waffles 16 cents" I asked Adam to by me one. He showed me that there was a table full of waffles and I took one. Looking back at the sign I realized it said "Waffles 16$" and it meant the whole waffle pizza. I guess you could take the slices to sample.

FREAKY THING: When I woke up this morning I could swear there was someone next to my bed. Whoever it was was whispering to try to get me to wake up and waving their hand in front of my face. I forced myself to wake up to see who it was. There was noone there. I was so sure there was someone that I looked under my bed to see if maybe my nephew was hiding there. Nope. What's freaky is that I still find it hard to convince myself I was dreaming. My brain knows I was dreaming but I still feel like there was someone there.

Yesterday

Yesterday I went horseback riding with my Mom, my aunt Donna, my cousin Kelly, and Adam (Uncle Gordie, Dad, and my other cousin Joey came too but they didn't go on the trail with us). Anyway. For those of you who don't know, I am super allergic to horses, but I thought I haven't been around horses in a while, maybe I am over my allergy. Just to be sure I took 2 Benedryl before I left which made me fall asleep in the car (don't worry, I wasn't driving). I had a horse named JW who insisted in being last in line and walking like ten billion miles away from the second last horse in line. Even though the guy who helped me on the horse told me how to "steer" it, it became clear in about three seconds that JW was going to listen to me about as much as a grade eight class does (not at all). When we got to the end of the trail JW found a nice patch of grass and refused to stop eating! Everyone went back to the coral and I was stuck there all alone on a grazing horse! Finally the guide came over and lead us both back to the coral. JW was very embarrassed and apologized (no, not really).

Here's a picture of JW:


BTW: I am NOT over my horse allergy but I think the Benedryl helped (I was coughing and sniffling but had no trouble breathing). Also it turns out Kelly, who had never been riding before, is allergic to horses too! Oh well, some people just have to smell a peanut and they die a horrible death so I'm not going to complain too much about the horse thing.

BBTW: Maybe all the drugs and allergens is what caused me to hallucinate this morning.

BBBTW: Happy Thanksgiving!

Adam's Work

Adam just hired me to work for a couple weeks at his work. Finally a job where I get hired based on sexiness and lovability! Anyway. It will be nice to make a few bits of money for a change. If the flight attendant thing doesn't work out maybe I can be Adam's personal assistant (or vice versa as long as we both get paid).

Interview

I have another interview for a flight attendant position today at 11 am. (something about me the airlines seem to like)

Anyway.

Everyone wish me
GOOD GOOD LUCK

Wedding Blog

I started a new blog having to do with me and Adam's wedding plans. From now on anything Adam or I have to post related to our wedding plans will go on Jen and Adam's Wedding Blog or on this blog, or his blog, or wherever we feel like it.

Bridal Show Extravaganza!

Yesterday I went to the bridal show. Adam came. So did his mom AND my mom (the first time they met. Surprisingly painless.). Three of my posse (bridesmaids) came: Amy, Becca and Eireann. My MOH sister couldn't come (taking the ringbearer to the firestation) neither could Adam's sister Julie (had to go to TO to do her photography homework). We walked around the to all the booths and entered contests with address labels Adam printed off. The highlight of the show (well there were 2 highlights):

Highlight 1: Trying on wedding dresses. Don't worry, Adam didn't see. All the dresses at the show were size 8 which I am not ashamed to say is a WEE BIT TIGHT. Dress 1 of 2 was a strapless number in white. It didn't zip up but I still looked super hot (er...I mean elegant, yeah that's it). Dress 2 of 2 was a halter corsette thing in off-white. The white is nicer than the off-white. As far as the style, it would have worked had the top not been a size or 2 too small. It looked okay when I first put it on but then the saleslady laced it up for me. She kept tightening and tightening until my girls were ready to pop out and I looked like a Victorian prostitute. Discovery: the dress holds me up as good as any bra. Woohoo. I have pictures of my dress trying experience (which I can't post because Adam would see). I also later made an excellent facsimile out of lego (which I will post as soon as Becca sends me the pic).

Highlight 2: Chocolate fountain. At $750 it won't be a go for our wedding but is this thing ever cool. Melty fondue cascading out of a fountain with all kinds of fruit layed out for us. Yum! Becca believes in our ability to make one ourselves (though the fruit will be too expensive when she has her wedding in May..that's totally the only reason she won't make one...TOTALLY).

We also saw a bridal fashion show. That was fun, though the dresses all look the same after a while. None of the guy's suits had tails which was disappointing.

The best part of the day was that I had my four best friends with me. Thanks girls (and Adam).

I Got My Ads Back

Remember the Google ads I was so impressed with? The ones that read my blog and advertised relevant stuff? They're back! I signed up for Google's adsense program. Technically this is supposed to make me money but since only about 5 people frequent this site I don't anticipate much revenue. I'm just happy to have my old friends back.

Motivation Killer

I have to write a bio on my prof for my copyediting course at Ryerson. It's only 200 words so it should be pretty easy. However, as all Jen experts know, I am the star of P3 (Procrastinator: Rise of the Slackers). I planned to do the bio yesterday but then I got distracted by more interesting things (laundry, my toenails, etc). Today I finally motivated myself to get out my notes. Picture this: I'm all geared up to do the bio; I have an empty word doc open and everything. I reach into my bag, pull out my notebook and at that moment (literally) the phone rings. It's my prof. Class is cancelled and the bio isn't due until the following week! Talk about a motivation killer!

Eventful weekend

This weekend was so eventful I have to use point form!

Friday

Went to see the wolves at Haliburton Forest.
Some facts I learned:

• the wolf in charge of all the males is the alpha male
• the wolf in charge of all the females is the alpha female
• the lowest ranking wolf in the pack is the omega wolf
• ravens often hang out with wolf packs, eat with them, even attempt to trick them away from their food.
• sometimes ravens alert wolves to a kill by flying ahead and making noise when they see a lame deer or something.

Photo of the alpha male:

Saturday

Mom's 50th surprise party. She never suspected a thing. (annoyed that I wouldn't get my passport photo). Rob made posters with pics of and quotes about Mom.

Lots of eating and dancing. A good time was had by all.

Sunday

Word on the Street. Less and less free stuff every year. Won a stack of art magasines (2-dollar spin-the-wheel game). Art mags=happiness.

So I used full sentences. Sue me! This is still less in depth then I usually get on my blog.

Pillow? Headphones? Chicken or Fish?

I am on my way to Flight Attendantdom! I had an interview today at an airline and it went fabulously. They are hiring 70 out of 700 people which sounds icky but one in ten is actually pretty good. If that was the lottery I'd be a zillionaire.

Weirdness: flight attendants get paid "per flight hour." That means they start getting paid when the doors shut and the plane starts taxiing. They do not get paid to help you with your luggage before the plane takes off, or to wish you a pleasant day after the plane lands. That part they do out of the goodness of their hearts.

Thank you for flying with us and have a pleasant vacation.

Mooseriffic Holiday!

Adam and I are back from our 4-day camping trip to Algonquin Park. The highlight of our trip was seeing a young moose:

He was just wandering around eating lake grass near our campsite. For those of you who have never experienced a moose sighting I will tell you that moose (mooses, meese) are the most hillarious creatures ever because unlike deer and squirrels and bunnies and chipmunks and birds and bears and every other wild animal in the universe, moose could care less about people. The moose was easy to spot because there was already a crowd gathered around it. We saw him first at 2ish and he was still hanging around the campground at 6! Our moose could be seen from the road and at least ten cars pulled over to take his picture (okay so maybe HUMANS are the most hillarious creatures ever, but moose are right up there). To give an idea of how close a person can get to a moose without even a snort of protest I have this picture Adam took of me and our moose:

You should know that the reason I am not closer to the moose in this picture is a) there was a bush in the way and b) I didn't want to get my shoes wet and mucky NOT c) he might have run away. The moose knew I was there (he kept looking at me) but was totally uninterested in anything but his dinner.

Speaking of dinner, we also saw a snake eating a frog. YUM!

Ryerson Skateboarders

Yesterday was my first class at Ryerson. I had some time before class to watch the eye-candy-lishes boys sweat and skateboard in the ice-free-because-it's-summer rink outside. They were basically trying two tricks over and over again. One was (I looked these up) a kickflip or a heelflip. The other was a noseslide (I think) which they did on the curb. They tried these over and over. 9 times out of 10 (and I'm being generous here) they failed to get the trick right. Sometimes, they fell on their tushies. I found this strangely mesmorising.

Yoda should watch these guys. There is no try my butt!

Gynoids

I just found out something interesting. Well, interesting to me because I've always been fascinated by androids. Star Trek (and the dictionary) tells us that an android is a machine or automaton in the form of a human being. However, the word android literally mean resembling (oid) a man (andr). Therefore, there can be no such thing as a female android. A female android would be called a gynoid.

Examples of Gynoids (off the top of my head):

Lal (Data's daughter)
Fembots (Austin Powers)
TX (Terminator 3)
The robot from Metropolis
Various female mecca in AI
Various female androids (I mean gynoids) in TOS
V.I.K.I. (I, robot)
A librarian in the Simpsons episode set in the future.

If I think of anymore I'll add them to the list.
BTW: The gmail offer is still open. Comment on the previous message.

Gmail Invite Give Away!

Yes, I am part of the elite group of people who have gmail accounts. Jealous? No need. I have 2 gmail invites that I am giving away right now! This is a limited time offer. The first 2 people to comment (and leave their e-mail addie1) will be on the way to nerd elitism.

Before you take advantage of this offer, here are some pros and cons to consider:

Pros:

*You can search your messages. I've found this useful only once, but that's mostly because I haven't had the account long enough to accumulate lots of messages.

*You get 1000 megabytes of storage. This is the big seller for google. It's more than anyone really needs.

*Your messages are grouped with all their replies as a conversation. This is pretty neat. It's actually my favourite part. Also replying to messages is almost like a chat msn style (only it's e-mail).

*You can "star" messages that you want to be able to find easily. Another reason I never really used the search feature.

*It's by invite only so you get to feel special.

Cons (sorry google I love you for hosting this blog):

*While you can receive messages with cool html colors and pics in them, you cannot create them. This sucks. I rarely make my messages pretty anyway, but sometimes I feel the need.

* You can't really add someone to your address book unless you e-mail them or transfer their address from your old address book. This is kind of annoying but really, why would you want someone in your address book that you didn't want to e-mail?

*I think there was something else but it can't be that important because I forgot.

So there you have it comment now and be part of the wonderful world of nerdy net elitism!

1. Yes, I realise you may have reservations about posting your e-mail on the blog. TOO BAD SO SAD. Your new addie will be gmail anyway so why do you care really?

Nice Weekend

I had a nice weekend. Here is the blow-by-blow:

Friday

My parents left to stay at a friend's cottage and go to the wedding. Instead of having a wild party I used another television parents-aren't-home cliché and stayed over at my beloved Adam's house.

Saturday

My Adam had to go to work so I went out with my future sister-in-law Julie. We rode are bikes at Niagra-on-the-lake. That place is super pretty. When we got home Adam bought us a yummy pizza with lots of veggies and we all watched Lady Killers (***).

Sunday

I went with my Mom and Dad to the Eden Mills Writer's Festival. It was a beautiful sunny day. My Mom read from A Different Kind of Beauty. I saw Nalo Hopkinson read and a bunch of other people too. I never really hear what the story is about because the words carry me off into dreamland. Peaceful.

Once in a lifetime photo op

I thought I'd post this picture I took of Adam while he was taking a picture of an unusual bird. Honestly this picture hasn't been doctored in any way. ;)

I'm a professional author!!!!

I wrote an article for the Burlington Art Centre about Victor Cicansky's Spring Pantry (a piece in the permanent collection) and am actually getting paid for it (none of your business how much, Mr. Nosy). The God of the Art Centre says "I like your article very much" and he wants to put it in the newsletter and put it on display as a handout or a label near the artwork. That's right Ladies and Gents, I'm a professional author.

The Other Me

Apparently there is another person out there named Jennifer McNicoll. She's a champion horse trainer form Minneapolis who's currently studying burrowing owls in Mexico. This site shows a picture of her holding a hawk:
jmcnicoll.htm

Totally cool. She might even be worthy of the name. :)

My Productivity Grinds to a Halt

I have a hundred and three kind-of-okay jobs that I'm going to apply for. I applied for three using the lazy girl's method (e-mail) then I came across one that you could only apply by dinosaur (fax). No problem, I say to myself, I'll just write up my cover letter and résumé and File Print to Fax. Easy. Peasy. Japanesey.

Alas! No printers are installed on my computer since Adam "fixed it". Okay so.... Start. Printers and Faxes. Set up faxing. Sell soul to Satan okay? Okay. Next. Next. What!? I need the Windows XP CD! Why would I possibly need that? I don't have that.

Okay so that's not going to work. So I call Adam. Adam I can't fax anything what do I do? Adam suggests printing whatever I need to fax then faxing it super-dinosaur way (by actually using the fax machine). So now I have to install the downstairs printer, which means I have to install the driver, which means I have to download the driver.

I find the driver pretty easily on the hp website (I just have to run all the way downstairs a check the front of the printer to see what its name is and then run upstairs and type that in). I download the thing all zipped. I unzip it (and see its undies ooooooh!).

Then this box pops up and gives me a bunch of options (nice to have choice) and the only option that could possibly apply to my is Install Printer and Drivers or some such. So I clickety click that. Okay. Okay. Perform sexual favours for horny programmers okay? Okay. Next. Next. Next. Then it asks me if I want to attach my printer using one of those tiny USB cables or one of those big honking ones. There is no option saying "the computer is downstairs dumbbum!" so I randomly pick the big honking cable.

The computer says it will wait for me to attach the printer. You'll be waiting a heckuva long time sweetie pie. Finally it says, "Nothings happening. Should I keep waiting?" or something. I click the no-never-mind-this-isn't-going-to-work button.

Okay so we'll try another thing. I go to Start. Printers and Faxes. Add a Printer. I find where the downstairs printer is on the network. Next. Then the computer starts to panic "I need a driver! Where is it? Where is it?" No worries. I tell the computer where I saved the driver that I downloaded from HP. The computer decides it didn't like the driver I downloaded and gets all cranky, freezes and shuts down.

When the thing has booted back up the printer appears to be installed. Okaaaaaaaaay. So I open up my document and File Print. After a while a dialogue box pops up saying "The printer isn't picking up the phone and it doesn't have an answering machine. Should I keep trying?" Argh. No. Never mind!

I think I might have installed a drunk driver or maybe a driver who failed the G1 exit. Anyway, I'll try to delete the printer and then reinstall it. Maybe that will work.





But probably not.

Karaoke Revolution!!!

I'm at Becca and Drew's house for their much anticipated Labour Day Barbecue Extravaganza! Becca and I have been playing Karaoke Revolution. I like this game a lot because it makes me feel like Arethra Franklin or Janis Joplin or Caroline Wiles or some other really good singer. The crowd goes wild! I glow because I'm so friggin' good! I wanted to get Adam to try but he doesn't want to feel like Arethra Franklin for some odd reason.

Should've Gone on the Wilderness Adventure Ride

So Adam got these passes to see the Air Show at Ontario Place and he got off work early and we drove to Toronto (Well, Adam drove; I sang the oldies). So we get to Toronto in record time (did I mention Adam drove) BUT there were a hundred thousand cars there in a free-for-all. Parking on grass, driving on jogging paths, that sort of thing. It took us an hour to park, no exaggeration. We went into Ontario Place and climbed all the steps to the top of that big white thing. We had missed most of the air show but we saw 3 or 4 planes go by. Then the announcers were all "Here come the Snowbirds!" and the Snowbirds flew in in that formation they are always doing in photos (you know the one). Then the lead pilot came on the radio and said "Too hazy. Unsafe. No show for you!" or something to that effect. So we climbed all the way down from the tower. BTW: I was testing to see if I'm still afraid of heights by looking down. I don't think I'm completely cured, but I think the death defying experience did help a little.

Anyway. We got to the bottom and I wanted to go one the Wilderness Adventure Ride because every time I come to Ontario Place I go on the Wilderness Adventure Ride. It's pretty much the only ride at Ontario Place and it's the same thing as that log ride they have at Canada's Wonderland: you drive down the river in a hollowed out log, pass by all kinds of cheesey animatronics, the go down a big drop and get splashed. Fun stuff. And the cheesiness factor is enhanced tenfold by the fact that the animatronic loggers have cobwebs attached to their bums.

Problem: Adam didn't want to get his camera wet. I suggested leaving it with the ride employee but (understandably) he didn't trust the ride employee as far as he could throw him (what does that even mean?). I suggested getting a locker but we had both used up all our change to park on a lawn a million miles away. I suggested getting a hold of a plastic bag but Adam thought that he could somehow get his camera wet anyway. I suggested going back to the car and leaving it in there. Adam said "that seems like a bit of a hassle just to go on one ride" and it did, but it also seemed like a bit of a hassle to drive all the way to Toronto and spend an hour looking for parking, just to watch three planes go by. We were both cranky because of the incredible sweltering heat, and the annoyingness of the traffic, parking, and woosy Snowbirds. So we went home.

The rest of the day was better. I hung out with Adam at his house and we watched some Star Trek, and played some Rummikub. Nice, lazy, non-outdoor activities.

When I got home that night my Mom was up (even though it was 12:30 am and WAY past her bedtime). She of course asked me how the air show was and if I went on the Wilderness Adventure Ride. Argh!! Now I'm going to have to make a special trip to Toronto just to ride that stupid ride.

Computer-free Day

At the moment I am at Adam's house using his computer to write my blog. My 'puter has been acting kinda slow lately which usually means it needs to be completely wiped off and then have only the important stuff loaded back on. Kind of like when the Enterprise computer was malfunctioning and Geordi had to shut it down and reboot. So Adam is doing that for me and today I have no computer. So I painted a painting of my nephew instead. I had planned to clean my room but FAT CHANCE!

Nothing has happened so far.

So far today nothing has happened. I've been on my computer. Went swimming at Omi's house. Watched a little Star Trek. Pretty slow day. I'm blogging even though I have nothing to say because then I figure I'll jinx myself (in a good way). You know in Young Frankenstein when Gene Wilder is complaining about having to dig up the grave and Igor says "Could be worse. Could be raining." at which point it immediately starts to rain? Life is ironic like that (good for comic effect). Well I figure as soon as I say that nothing is happening something super duper exciting is going to happen. Irony. It only makes sense right?

Something exciting will happen. Or it will rain.

The most terrifying experience of my life.

If you know me you know that I sometimes exaggerate to extremes. I'll say, for example, "there were a million billion people in line" if a line-up is only kind of long, or I'll say "I had to sit in the waiting room for a hundred years" even though the wait time was no more than an hour. Knowing this, you might think that when I say "the most terrifying experience of my life" I really mean "something I was kind of nervous about". I assure you that is not the case. This experience has no need for hyperbole. When I use the word "terrified" I mean the actual definition which is to be filled with terror, deeply afraid (terror being intense, over-powering fear).

I have always been squeamish around heights (note I said "squeamish" when normally I would say "for me heights is the most frightening thing in the history of time", but I promised no to use hyperbole). Normally when I'm near a high cliff or something, my knees shake a little bit (what a stupid way for my body to react to heights! duh!) .

The magasine my Mom edits for is doing a story on "Family Adventures" so for the last two days me, Mom, and my brother Craig, have been trying out different activities. We did some fun but very tame white water rafting in Barry's Bay near Algonquin Park then drove all the way to Collingwood to the Blue Mountain Lodge to do something called "Treetop Walking". I thought that if you can take your family on the trip it can't possibly be THAT scary. Wrong. Knowing how high a treetop is I should have run for the hills!

First they suit us up in these harnesses. Attached to the harness was a water bottle and, more importantly, a rope with two (what are those clippy things called again Adam?) carbeeners attached to them. I didn't have a lot of time to make friends with my carbeeners before my life depended on them. First, we walked across a nice wide suspension bridge (I say nice and wide because I've come to appreciate the wideness of most bridges) and the guides were chatting about the history of the area and how they made the suspension bridge (with a crossbow, cool!). Then we all (I think there were 11 of us all together plus 2 guides) piled into a tractor (it had a thing attached to it so it could fit 11 people) and were driven to the treetop place.

After learning to use our carbeeners we climbing a staircase two at a time (Craig was my partner) up. We had to attach our carbeeners to cables running above our heads (there are two carbeeners and two cables so if one breaks, supposedly you don't fall to your death). We had to walk along a thin plank (I say "thin" meaning "normal sized for a plank" which is far too thin for this activity). The plank was suspended from ropes which were tied to cables that we could and did use as hand railings. According to the website, we were 50 feet above the ground. I'm not sure of the exact conversion into meters but let me assure you, that is very high. The plank swayed back and forth when people were walking or when the wind blew (so always) and in between the ropes was plenty of room for a person, even one larger than me, to fall through. Being squeamish about heights, I was very scared. My knees were shaky in the extreme and I was close to tears most of the time. We walked the plank until we got to a tree. Then we had to let go of the railing (ah!) unclip our carbeeners (ah!) and reclip them to another set of cables on the other side of the tree. Then we walked the plank to over to another tree and did the same thing again. In total we walked sixteen planks (they were numbered so I know) and came to a platform large enough to comfortably fit thirteen people without terror. Now we had to get down. Another staircase? HELL NO! A zip glide. I watched a bunch of people go first (including Mom and Craig). They had to go down this short flight of steps which ended in mid air, then they had to ease themselves off the stairs while one of the guides (Graham) held them in place with a rope. When they were ready, the guide would yell RELEASING and the person would go zippity do dahing down to the ground from 50 feet in the air. On the ground the other guide(Jen) had this wheely staircase (the kind department stores use) so the person could climb up and their carbeeners could easily be unhooked. Some of you are probably thinking: COOL! which would make you exactly like the guys who were so cocky they swung upside down on the way down. I did not think this was cool. I was extremely squeamish just watching other people do this.

My turn. The guide attached my carbeeners to the rolly thing that was attached to the cable. I climbed down to the bottom step. Being on the steps was scary, but no scarier than walking the plank. The most terrifying experience of my life was actually letting go. I was whimpering so people could tell I was scared. This truck driver who came with his fearless forteen-year-old daughter was cheering me on. I don't know how long I was on the staircase but I felt like I was making everyone wait a long time (I would normally say a hundred years, but no hyperbole today). I couldn't let go. The truck driver told me to step one foot at a time so I stepped one foot off then quickly put that foot back on and stepped off with the other foot. Finally I somehow got both feet off and was gripping the railing of the staircase super tightly. Someone (the guide maybe?) told me to let go of the railing and I did, and put my feet back on the stairs. This went on for a while until I somehow managed to let go with both my feet and hands more-or-less at the same time. I held on to the rope that was attached to my carbeeners that was attached to the rolly thing that was attached to the cable. The guide was holding my rope with another rope. Now that I was in the scary place (I had let go of the thing I had been holding onto for dear life and was amazingly still alive) I just wanted to get down. The guide probably thought I needed time and was all like "Are you okay? Are you ready?" I yelled "Just GO!" and he let go and I went Zippity do dahing down to the ground. I couldn't really enjoy the ride because I was still in shock from the terrifying experience (in fact, I'm still a little shaken from it). By the time I was on the ground I was crying a little bit (not full out bawling because Mr. Spock taught me that it's not proper to show your emotions). Everyone was asking me "are you okay?" but I was on the ground so I was EXTREMELY OKAY. Then we got granola bars and went to look in some caves. I went through this really thin cave called "Fatman's misery" and the fearless forteen-year-old didn't. She was scared and I wasn't. HA!

I don't have any pictures of my terrifying experience yet because we brought a disposable (we were afraid the digi would fall to it's death). But here is a photo of crazy people who actually paid to do this fool thing (click on it to go to the website).

Weekly World News

This is the paper I use to stay informed on world events.

Weekly World News

Nerdfest 2004

The Sci Fi Expo is one of the few events where people are encouraged to flaunt their nerdity. There was also a comic book expo, a horror expo and an animé expo in the same place so all kinds of nerds were united in nerd sisterhood and nerd brotherhood!

Patrick Stewart was supposed to be the star attraction but he wasn't allowed to fly because of a surgery (wimp!). Guess who they sent instead? The only guy who can look sexy with a latex turtle glued to his forehead.* That's right! None other than my fave : Lieutenant Worf (Er. I mean Micheal Dorn. Worf's not real. There are no such things as Klingons). They also sent Levar Burton, BTW ("But don't take my word for it..."). Anyway, I paid way too much money for a Worf autograph but it made me happy so it was worth it (especially since Hunter lipsticked the other one I had).
Here is a picture of me and Micheal Dorn


After lining up for an hour and getting Worf's autograph, we saw that poor Anthony Montgomery (Travis Mayweather from Enterprise: aka cute black guy) had no line-up at all. My sweet Adam bought me his autograph.
Here is a picture of me and Anthony Montgomery


I also bought a girlie action figure at the expo. Her name is Jade and she is a vampire crime boss with a dragon, a green dress, and real hair (real as in you can braid it and brush it, not real as in it came from a human head. Sickos!). She was only five bucks so her cheapness halfway makes up for the fortune I spent on the autographed photos.

* I'm pretty sure my fiancé Adam would still look sexy with a latex turtle glued to his forehead. However, since I have yet to test this theory, Micheal Dorn holds the title.

Toronto with Mom

Mom and I went to TO today. Our primary goal was to register me for some courses at Ryerson but first we went to the Turner, Whistler, Monet exhibit at the AGO. The paintings were pretty. Mom got a membership so now I can see all the art I want for free!

After the AGO we went down to Ryerson where there was an info session for people who want to register in courses (me, for example). I wanted to take a few courses in their magazine program. I decided on fact-checking and copywriting because those were the most likely to net me a job right away. I had to be interviewed by one of the profs in order to be granted the privilege of giving them my money. The woman who interviewed me (if you can call it an interview, it took 3 minutes tops) acted as if she was doing me a big favour by signing the yellow post-it which allows me into the course. It's not as if I was going to take no for an answer, lady.

After Ryerson Mom and I went to see some ballet at the Harbourfront. For those of you who think you are the only one who doesn't get ballet, here are the highlights of my thoughts during the performance:

I'm not sure I get this . . .

These guys are really getting a workout, I'm getting tired just watching them . . .

I'm sure I don't get this . . .

Those tights leave NOTHING to the imagination. I can see the appeal of this—no. No, I can't, I am SO not attracted to men in tights. Nice bums though. I wonder what Adam's doing now . . .

There should be a Wonder Woman ballet, with those satin tights she'd be a natural . . . So for Halloween I need knee high red boots, blue granny undies with white stars, and some kind of red bodice . . .

Wait, when did that guy get on stage? I wasn't paying attention. Now I'll NEVER get it . . .

Oh good, Sleeping Beauty. I know this one . . .

Wait. What part of Sleeping Beauty is this? . . .

I get it! They're supposed to be cats! When were there cats in Sleeping Beauty? . . .

Those guys can't possibly be wearing underwear.

My Nephew is a GENIUS

My nephew just got moved up a level in daycare and not just because he got old! Most of the kids in his class were way older than him but he got moved up and they didn't. He is the smartest kid ever.

Flying Car

The folks from clerks are back. IN COLOUR

http://www.viewaskew.com/tv/leno/flyingcar.html

My Contact Tore in Half!

One half stayed in my eye and after many tries I finally got it out. Today is my eye doctor's appointment and I'm supposed to wear the things for six hours before. Of course one breaks. Of course! I went and got another one from my eye doctor so I would have them for the appointment. I still might scrap them. These contacts are ridiculous.

I might scrap the lenses

I might scrap the contact lenses. At least half the time I'm wearing them my eyes feel uncomfortable and dry. I've got drops but they only lube my eyes up for two seconds then it's back to the Sahara for my eyeballs.

Today me and Adam went to the Dunlop Observatory in Richmond Hill. Looking through a telescope is a great time to be wearing contacts, I thought, so I chucked them in before we went. We left at seven. On the way there they started to bug me. Around 9:30, in the middle of the überenthusiastic astronomer's powerpoint presentation, one of my contacts was so dry it came out. This after only two hours of wear! Ridiculous.

I looked up laser eye surgery when I got home (this is the sort of thing one does at 1 am). It sounds like the scariest thing ever. Basically, after surgery you can wreck your vision from rubbing your eyes, swimming, wearing make-up, or giving someone an evil stare. Plus, they don't even guarantee perfect vision! Forget that. It's clear now that I am destined to be the ugly one.

The observatory was pretty cool though.

Xena Joins The Girls!

For those of you who don't know, I have a small but growing collection of female action figures. Girls are so rare in the action figure world that if action figures had to reproduce the sexy way(instead of being created in factories) than the population would have a serious problem (very testosterony). Today my girls welcomed a new member of the collection: a previously enjoyed Xena: Warrior Princess who I purchased at a garage sale for only ten cents. Xena comes with a cool stand that, when you press a button, hurls Xena into battle! She fits in very well on the girlie shelf.

Speaking of shelves, I need a better way to display my girls. The shelf is getting very crowded, taking away from the girls' feminine splendor.

Pounding the Meat is Key

Today I made schnitzel! I don't cook, so this is a big deal. Of course by "cook" I mean before every step I asked "Mommy, what do I do now?" but it turned out super yummy, which is the important thing. I wrote down all the steps so later I won't have to have my mommy next to me in order to make it. So that others can enjoy this fine German dish (and in case I lose the scrap of paper) I am including the recipe in my blog:

1. Pound pork cutlets with can or mallet. As the title says, this is key. It makes the meat all thin and tender.

2. Mix an egg with milk. With a fork, not anything exciting like a mixer or anything.

3. Put flour on a plate.

4. Put breadcrumbs on another plate. Breadcrumbs = stale bread in food processor with lots of oregano and salt. (Or just buy seasoned breadcrumbs. Lazies!)

5. Heat oil in pan. Oil should be hot enough to spit at you.

6. Dip pork in flour, then eggmilk, then crumbs.

7. Fry breadcrumby pork in oily pan.

8. Repeat until all the pork have become schnitzel.

There you have it. Eight easy steps. Well, seven (does step eight really count?). Anyway, enjoy your schnitzel.
Auf wiedersehen!

I'm Stonger Than Wonder Woman!

Who needs an invisible plane? Yesterday I walked all the way from my house to Omi's house. According to mapquest, that's 7.76 km (if I took the shortest route, which is highly unlikely).

I walked to the bank to deposit my cheques from Cinderella Man. Then, I kept walking down Brant. By the time I got to the Power Centre I was very thirsty so I bought a Mango Hurricaine(or Tornado or some other kind of weather) Booster Juice (I don't like mangos, but for some reason they are delicious in juice). The "Booster" (read: placebo) I got was a combo booster, so it will cure everything. After injesting the booster, my super powers increased enough that I walked all the way down to Fairview Street.

On Fairview Street, I met Kerri, who I had not seen in some time. She was waiting for her mommy to pick her up from a dentist appointment. We chatted until mommy came. I stopped at Value Village but didn't see anything because the evil halloween stuff has already taken over, thereby preventing creative costume-making. I remembered that I wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween but I wasn't sure how to do that. I should have asked Kerri for advice (her super power is halloween costume making).

When I got to Omi's house (by house, I of course mean condo) I called for her to let me in but there was no answer. So I called again. This time, she answered. Apparently, she was on the phone with my mom, which is why she didn't know I buzzed. Omi was super excited to see me. Every time I go over to Omi's house she acts as if she hasn't seen me in five thousand years (it hasn't been long: she was at our house for dinner on Tuesday). We went swimming in her pool. There were some kids from Romania and Russia swimming too. That's right, Omi's pool attracts visitors from all over the world!

After an hour of swimming, we went back upstairs and ate a shrimp ring and some pickled herring for dinner. Yum! I definitely had the protein group covered. Mom and Dad were planning to take Omi out to see a movie and I decided to tag along. I wasn't about to walk home! We saw Anchorman : the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Yes, I realise I've already seen it, but it was funny the second time too, so now it gets an extra star (****).

So there you go. Super Happy Jen really is a super hero. I need a super hero themesong. Any ideas?

The highlight of my day.

Even though it is late at night (or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it) I will not go to bed without telling my faithful readers about the highlight of my day. If I put it off to tommorrow I will forget about it like I forgot to write reviews for Mean Girls (**) and Alien vs. Predator (**).

The highlight of my day was: Rollerblading with Amy by the lake in Hamilton. First we had some healthfood at Hutch's. By "healthfood" I of course mean food that is yummy, greasy, and contains very little nutritional value. I had fries and a burger and Amy had fries and a hot dog. Afterwards, we negated the unhealthiness of our healthfood by rollerblading 6.5 km. We would have done more except we were afraid it might rain (and it did, 30 seconds after we were in the car. SUCKERS!). Then we went to my house, Adam came over and the three of us hung out in my room and played board games.

There you have it. I know you're thinking: She postponed her bedtime to write that? I was expecting more, action, drama, and suspense. I admit, my life is boring. Okay? Happy now? You people are so demanding.

Photo: Please Do Not Flush

I'm not sure where I took this picture. Probably in a public washroom on the way to North Bay, that was a time when I was into photos of signs in public washrooms. I enjoy taking pictures in washrooms (not of people, you perverts). It's not something many people would think of doing. I took a picture of this sign because I like the graphic of the toilet. Boys will probably find this picture interesting as it offers a glimpse inside the no-man's land that is the woman's washroom. (How many boys have actually seen a sign asking them not to flush feminine hygiene products?)


I'd like to see someone try to flush a diaper!

Adam gets interviewed!

Toronto Sun: NEWS - Eyes on the skies - again

Adam was interviewed by the Sun while we were at the Science Centre yesterday. He says he was slightly misquoted, but regardless his name's in the paper. He's FAMOUS!

Yesterday All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away

Adam is busy with work today so I decided to call one of my other friends and do something fun. To my horror I discovered: I have no other friends! Okay, friends who are reading this are probably saying: "We're your friends, Jen." And you are right. However, the problem is you have lives. For some reason none of you sit at home by the phone waiting for me to call you. As such, I am bored to tears. Now's a good time to tell you fictitious blog-readers (fictitious because all my real friends have lives) about the fab day I had yesterday:

Adam and I went to Toronto to see the 2pm showing of Urinetown (Mom bought us tickets for Adam's birthday). It's a musical comedy about a world where there's a drought and people have to pay to use the washroom. Those who can't or won't pay get exiled to Urinetown. Hilarious. *****

After the show, we went down to the Science Centre because we'd heard about some blackout-anniversary star-gazing thing. We learned that the exhibits close at 6 pm and the star thing starts at 8 pm (it was 5:20 or so at the time). Apparently, there is no way to see Science Centre exhibits for free or at a discount. Even if you come forty minutes before closing, you still have to pay $14 per adult (yes, you are an adult. If they consider me an adult, then you DEFINITELY are).

We had time to kill so we went out for dinner at a Chinese Restaurant. We ordered "Dinner for Two" which was more than enough for two even though the food was tastey and one of us is a 6-foot-2 Polish boy (that would be Adam). The people at the next table ordered Duck and it came to the table with the head still attached.

After dinner we went back to the Science Centre. The star thing was free so we figured it was our kind of thing. We waited around for a while and finally it was 8 pm. This guy named Terrence Dickenson (that name may mean something to astronomers) gave a slide presentation on astronomy, star-gazing and light polution. I learned that the hubble telescope is so powerful that it can see all the way to the edge of the universe, or at least what the edge of the universe looked like 13.7 billion years ago. Astronomy is wild.

After the talk we went out to the parking lot where a bunch of telescopes were set up. This was very hokey. It was too cloudy (the McNicoll Badweatherluck Phenomenon) to see the edge of the universe, or even the planets in our solar system (except Earth, you could see Earth). One guy had his telescope pointed at an office window (the blinds were shut). There was also a story teller who told myths involving stars and moons and such. All of the stories contridicted what the astronomer said but were fun to listen to anyway.

A good time was had by all.

Blackout: One Year Anniversary

Today is the one-year anniversary of the biggest blackout in the history of time. Everyone from North Bay to New Jersey lost power. Over 50 million people could not watch television or play computer games. (I think it was the Americans' fault). The blackout anniversary is getting a lot of news coverage (Newspapers love anniversaries because that means they can run last year's article by searching for every instance of the word "today" and replacing it with "last year". Then they take the rest of the day off.) In the spirit of lazy journalism, this is what I did on August 14th, 2003:

At the time, I worked at Stoney Creek Library. Some kids were telling me about their stories when the lights suddenly went out. There was enough light in the children's area for us to continue talking about books until the head children's librarian came and told me that they were going to close the library (lazies) and that the power outage has reached all the way to the states. At the time I thought: How is that even possible?

Driving home was insane. The highway was okay, but as soon as I exited to somewhere with lights it became ridiculous. It was like the end of the world. Either a)Nobody knows that lights that aren't working should be treated as four-way stops, b)Nobody knows how to behave at four-way stops, or c)Everyone thought it was the end of the world and behaved accordingly.

I made it home in one piece. The power in my house was restored almost immediately after I got there. We didn't even have to eat our ice cream (everyone knows that the first thing you do in a power failure is eat your ice cream so that it won't melt). I've heard one theory that my house got its power back quickly because we are on the same line as a hospital, and therefore a high priority. But don't hospitals have generators? Anyway my Dad thinks it's a rip-off. The greatest blackout in the history of time and we lost power for twenty minutes!

We spent the rest of the day watching movies. Eat your heart out New York City!

Dinner with Uncle Siegfried

Omi1's brother Siegfried and his wife are over from Germany and yesterday we went out for dinner at a greek place in Hamilton. We being me, Mom, Dad, Omi, Craig2, Uncle Siegfried, Uncle Siegfried's wife. Siegfried took a course in English for seniors back in Germany. He says that he though he was pretty good at English until he came to Canada. Now he realizes he hardly speaks it at all.

It was fun trying to see how much I could understand using my high school German. I was feeling pretty good about myself because I could understand everything my Mom says in German. Of course this was because a)she was speaking half-English b)she does actions with her hands and c)I know what my Mom is going to say. Understanding Siegfried was a little trickier. My Mom translated what he said. She even translated when he spoke English. Sure Uncle Siegfried has an accent but, Mom, I can understand English. My Mom's crazy.

Craig whispered in my ear periodically "What are they saying?" Sometimes I knew the gyst of the conversation and told him. Most of the time I had no clue (unless they were talking about the weather, colours, or numbers, I was pretty much at a loss).

Anyway, now seems like a good time to tell you a song that I remember from German class.

ICH BIN AUSLANDER3
(sung to the tune of "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain")

ich bin auslander und spreche nicht gut deutsch
ich bin auslander und spreche nicht gut deutsch
bitte langsam, bitte langsam
bitte spreche sie doch langsam
ich bin auslander und spreche nicht gut deustch

ich bin auslander und spreche nicht gut deustch
ich bin auslander und spreche nicht gut deustch
ich versteh' nicht, was sie sagen
ich versteh' nicht, was sie sagen
ich bin auslander und spreche nicht gut deutsch.

1. Omi means grandma in German. Everyone calls her "Omi" regardless of whether they are related to her or not. My friends who have met my grandmother tell tales about her to this day. She is quite a character.
2. My brother. I also have a sister named Robin but she had to stay home with Hunter (her son). Plus she didn't want to come anyway because: a)She had a friend over and b)Omi is always going on and on about how I am her favourite grandaughter.
3. Basically this song means: "I'm a foreigner and don't speak very good German. Please speak slowy. I don't understand what you're saying."

Double Feature: Collateral and Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy

Drive-ins are fabulous. You get to see two flicks for the price of one AND snuggle at the same time. Not to meantion the fact that you get to watch retro cartoons with dancing snacks. I give those dancing snack cartoons *****!

Collateral
A cab driver drives a hitman around. Tom Cruise plays the hitman. Not bad, but not as all fire exciting as you might imagine.

*

Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy
This movie is hillarious. One of the finest in stupid-in-a-good-way comedy.

***

So there you have it: nothing beats those dancing snack cartoons.

ROAR!

Results...: "
Lion King!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I just can't wait to be queen!

Jen gets contacts!

This is a momentous occasion because now I have the option of the Clark Kent look or the Superman look. Actually I should say the Diana Prince look or the Wonder Woman look, since I am obviously NOT a man. Anyway, the point is: with my glasses-free vision powers,
I could be a super hero!

I wore them 4 hours today and I have to slowly work up to a billion trillion hours. It's not exactly the same as having my nearsightedness miraculously cured, but it brings me closer to my goal of not being the ugly one.

Now I need to get myself some non-perscription sunglasses so I don't go blind at the age of 50 from the ultra-violet rays.

And the Oscar for Best Background Performer Goes To...

Today was the best day to maybe be on camera for Cinderella Man1. The scene is: we're standing in line to get soup because we are so dirt poor we need handouts. The crew were giving out kids as if they were props ("Here, have a soup bowl, and a child.") My "son" was five years old and by far the cutest of the bunch. Renée Zellweger's kids were supposed to splash in the puddles and my son got to splash with them! When Renée called her kids back I was supposed to step out of line, grab my kid's arm, pull him back in line and mime yelling at him2. Robbie (my pretend son) had to go to the washroom at least once an hour. He would look up at me with these big brown eyes and whisper "I have to pee." I would whisper "wait until they say cut" and then when they said "cut" I would yell "BATHROOM BREAK!" Halfway throught the shoot Robbie started to cry because he didn't want to do it anymore. By this time my feet were so sore from the period 1930s footwear that I wanted to cry too. I took him to an AD3 who took him to his real mom. Robbie had a nap on his real mom's shoulders and then went right back to action. What a trooper!

And:
I talked to Renée Zellweger!

She was walking past me and she looked at me and smiled.
So I said "Hello."
And she said "Hello. How are you?"
And I said "Very well. Thank you." I was very sincere too because (even though I was sore from the shoes, and I was wet from the splashing, and I was warm from the winter coat and the August sun) at that moment I was talking to The Renée Zellweger! I was very well! Thank you!
Then Renée said "It's warm".
And I sort of smiled in agreement. Totally cool.


1 A period 1930s movie about a boxer that I've been doing background work on for a few days this summer. It stars Renée Zellweger and Russell Crowe.
2 My Oscar moment.
3 Assistant Director.

Aliens Visit Burlington!

HBCCUFO.com / Burlington, Ontario Canada Object

Magnetic Hill - Burlington - Ontario

Magnetic Hill - Burlington - Ontario

A magic magnetic hill right here in Burlington? How amazing! How extraordinary! How hokey!

Anyone ever tried this thing?

Review: Catwoman

I saw Catwoman the other day and neglected to review it until now. I know this has been getting a lot of bad reviews. Were they expecting Spiderman? Come on now. Catwoman's powers include walking on furniture and standing up for herself.

Halle Berry played Catwoman (obviously). Sharon Stone, the mom from Six Feet Under, and the Law and Order dude from Miss Congeniality were also in it.

As long as you go in expecting a cheesey comic book movie (ie not Spiderman) I think you will enjoy it. It comes just short of being good. I'd say the movie is catered towards women since the romantic plot overpowers much of the flick and the Catwoman-seeks-revenge plot revolves around the evils of face cream. Fortunately for the guys, there is that scanty leather S and M outfit Catwoman finds so stylin'.

All in all pretty good, but not Oscar-the-Grouch winning stuff.

**

The All-day Interview.

Time interview was scheduled for: 12:30 pm

10:50 Got in the car and headed for the far side of the universe
11:00 Stuck in traffic
12:00 Stuck in traffic, again. Began to imagine what I would say to the interviewers if I arrived late.
12:30 Arrived at the far side of the universe in the nick of time. Signed in at the front desk, got a nametag, and waited with 10-15 other applicants.
1:20 Finally got called in to get interviewed by a man named "Jason". He seemed friendly. Same ol' interview questions, blah blah blah.
1:40 Wrote a dead-simple test (to make sure I have a brain). Sample question: "We charge 8% shipping and handling on orders over $3o. How much shipping and handling should you charge on a $90 order? $12.21, $5.00, $7.03, or $7.20?" Totally stupid.
1:45 Went to the cafeteria with the other applicants to wait for my second interview. A woman named "Helen" put on a video about how gosh darn great it is to work at Scholastic (the far side of the universe). The theme music for the video was from the Little Mermaid.
2 pm Video ended.
2:30 All other applicants have been called for their second interview except me. A woman comes out of nowhere and tells me that they haven't forgotten me and thanks me for my patience.
3:10 Got called in for a second interview with a woman named "Carolyn". She asked the same questions as "Jason". Honestly, they were almost word for word exactly the same.
3:28 Left the farside of the universe.
3:30 Returned to the farside of the universe because I realized they forgot to ask for my references (not a good sign).
3:31 Left the far side of the universe (for real this time).
4:45 Arrived home.